Gospodi Pomiluj

No Doors Shut....

2010-07-21T09:26:00.004-04:00

The past has been swirling around me of late. We spent the weekend celebrating the impending marriage of an old friend of my husband's. I knew these guys when I met my husband when we were in our twenties. I did a lot of damage then. There were many remember whens this weekend and all I could say was that is why I don't drink anymore. Another example of why I shouldn't drink. and on and on. We went on a ride and stopped at this bar...its not really the type of place I ever hung out unless I was already drunk. It was really sad. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were in this dirty smelly bar with bras and other paraphenalia hanging from the ceiling. And there was a woman there that just so reminded me of myself. The life of the party. With a shot in one hand and a cigarette in another. Looking for love in all the wrong places. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that this is not my life. And grateful that I didn't have to opine on it to our friend who's life it is. I could just stand in my sobriety and drink my seltzer water quietly. But I won't be doing that again. I'll skip the next ride.

I always say that I was in denial about my alcoholism. That because certain things did not happen to me I was able to justify my drinking. As long as I wasn't "there" I must not be an alcoholic. But that isn't the real truth. The real truth is that for at least the last 10 years of my drinking I HAD conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I knew it. That's why I lurked around AA websites and online groups. The trouble was I drowned that concession in alcohol and I was completely unwilling to concede it to YOU. Because that might mean I'd have to do something about it. My pride, my ego, my self will made it more important to prove that life was manageable WITH alcohol. I am so grateful that on that first day of sobriety something changed that had nothing to do with me. And that after 2 weeks of bouncing my head against MY way yet again, willingness arrived to make the concession to YOU and go to AA.

I am giving it ALL to God today. Or at least trying to. An old flame has contacted me on facebook. It has me a little freaked. I suppose I could have ignored his friend request but that didn't seem right. It was a relationship that was soaked in alcohol. We were very young. I was hurt and I owe him an amends. Which was my other reaction...oh shit now I know where he is when its time to do that. Maybe now is the time. And of course there is always the thought of what if.....and I cannot go there. So as my sponser says, I don't have to go anywhere. Just stay in today's moment...I don't know why this has happened and nor should I try to explain it or control it. It just is. So I shall allow the universe to flow as it should. I had just written about this guy in my fourth step when BAM! We will be amazed before we are halfway through......

I listened...

2010-07-14T16:17:00.004-04:00

An oldtimer this morning said that at some point you've got to listen to someone. I am very grateful that this happened for me. In spite of myself. It occurred to me that listening is what I have been doing these last three years from the very first day. I read a blog that very first day and I listened. I started writing. And when I got responses to my posts, I listened. You told me to go to AA. And when my online group talked about AA and how it worked, I listened. And I went to my first meeting. And when the wonderful lady from California called me so I could get used to talking to someone on the phone, I listened. I got a sponser that very day. And when my sponser told me to call her every day at 3 and to meet with her once a week, I listened. And we did the steps. And so I continue to listen..I listen to what you tell me to do and what not to do, what works and what doesn't work, and I hear how to stay away from that first drink. And it involves a much richer life than I could have ever imagined and is taking me places that I had long ago left behind. I think this is what the Grace of God must mean...

Luge Shots

2010-07-11T07:33:00.004-04:00

I went to a party last night for some old neighborhood friends who are moving to Chicago. I haven't seen them in awhile since we moved away and our sons who were elementary and middle school friends drifted apart as kids can sometimes do as they move into high school and college. It was good to see them and a few other parents who showed up. The elementary school our children attended was a very special neighborhood school and there is a certain bond there, even if our kids don't necessarily feel it anymore. And even though I too felt the bond, this was a place that I remember well in terms of hiding my drinking. I can remember many many hungover mornings walking my children to school. I waitressed at night then and would drink every night after my shift until the wee hours. Avoiding talking to the parents on the playground worried that I reeked of the night before. I never did really take a morning drink to quell the feeling. I just suffered through until my next shift, sometimes downing a few beers beforehand just to get to work. I remember calling in "sick" to my stint reading stories to the kids, my parent volunteer shift in the library or field trip chaperone. Or not calling in sick but suffering through and not really enjoying the moment but feeling that constant state of panic, anxiety and fear. Until it would be over and I could go home and have a glass of wine which always turned into more. I tried to do what was right for my kids and I managed in the way a "functioning" alcoholic manages. Getting by for appearances sake. And looking back its hard not to wonder just how well I functioned. Well, I don't wonder, I know what I missed. It makes me sad sometimes. This is me, not shutting the door on it.

Anyway, there were all sorts of people at the party. Parents from the neighborhood, family, old childhood friends, co-workers. And many were drinking up a storm. In the backyard they had this luge thing made out of ice that you see pictured above and they would pour the alcohol of your choice down the luge to your waiting mouth. I would have loved that back in the day, though it was said that the ice sucked up a lot of the alcohol. What was really great about the party for me was that my friends mother is also an alcoholic. I saw her at a few meetings early on, which of course freaked me out the first time...OMG, my cover is blown....and she had given me her number to call. As my program progressed, I never used it and we apparantly attend different meetings as I don't see her too much. Once in awhile from across the room. The first thing she said to me when I arrived at the party was how are you doing? I knew what she meant. It wasn't as the mother of my friend looking for small talk but as a fellow member of AA. Are you sober? And I said I was great. When the luging started and our little group of neighborhood parents started jumping on the bandwagon, she looked at me and said..I won't be doing any luges and I looked at her and said the same thing. It felt great to have that comraderie that only she and I knew about.

So today is Sunday morning..i was going to go kayaking with a church group but they cancelled under threat of rain. It's beautiful so I will go to a meeting...one that I haven't attended in quite some time as it fell to the side as I explored churches and found something there. At the time. Today, I need to hear the Big Book and then I will take my kayak out on our little lake and maybe do some writing out there. Try my hand at making a Cioppino, south beach style. And then WORLD CUP!. I've really enjoyed the games and though USA did not make it I have watched the teams progress. Was hoping Germany could etch it out since my daughter is there now and it would have been a lot of fun for her. As it is, she is consoling her German friends who were in tears and couldn't even watch the consolation game yesterday. Europeans take their soccer..futbol...seriously. I'm going to take my program seriously today..have a good one! xo

The Hard Part

2010-07-01T09:26:00.002-04:00

So the hard part won't be making this change....this past weekend helped me to affirm that. The hard part will be telling my boss of 10+ years. It's just him and me and it will be like leaving a marriage. I will have to get past the feelings that he cannot survive without me, that he will be angry, all the projections I have. I left a job once just before I got married. I had been managing 3 stores for this small business and wanted to get into something more national since we were moving out of state. When I gave my notice, the store owner, swore at me and threw a book and said this is a fine time! He apologized later but I had been unprepared for that. So now I suppose I'm overpreparing but at least this program tells me that I must stay in the day and today I am NOT leaving my job and won't be for awhile. I have to take classes, perhaps get something part time in the field. I'm just going to let it happen and when the time is right I will know. It's overwhelming sometimes to have that level of Trust. And I don't always but its getting there. My boss loves what he does and has given me a mug..love what you do and do what you love. I will bring that in with me when it is time. I will remind him of our client who has PTSD and how I was more concerned with HER well being than with handling the case. That is what he does, what he loves. Anyway, that is not for now. For now, I will just take the actions as they unfold. Part of the actions is finishing my damn fourth step! My sponser has suggested we set a deadline of September. I think having an end time will help. And I know from my previous fourth step that more will be revealed and that whatever anxiety I am feeling may very well be alleviated. I just have to Trust.

I wish I was going to San Antonio. But alas, I will have to live it vicariously through you bloggers. Have a wonderful experience.

Do What You Love, Love What You Do

2010-06-29T17:34:00.003-04:00

I have struggled with coming back to the blog and write because I think its just that I have so many discoveries of late I don't know how to put them into words. So perhaps I should begin at the beginning..or not really the beginning but the beginning of adult choices. I went to college to be a social worker. I think instinctually I had a desire to be of service to others...idealistically, I wanted to save the world. But because of my alcoholism and its underlying causes and conditions, namely, what I like to call defenses of charachter, a/k/a self...I ran. My beginning of the end of my social work career came during a retreat weekend with a class. The professor had us watch the movie "Ordinary People" to spark discussion. I don't remember too much of that weekend to be honest. I remember falling apart during my share because I couldn't articulate my feelings with respect to the mother, my mother, my family. I drank alot with people I barely knew. I didn't feel safe. I remember going to the professor afterwards but I couldn't ask for help. I needed help but I could only tell him that my Dad was upset resulting in the professor telling me I was immature. I quit my waitressing job. A triangular relationship exploded and I lost my best friend who took off with the boy I liked. And ultimately, though I'm not real clear on the timeline, I dropped out of school. I didn't want to be a social worker anymore. I used to say that I had social worker burnout before even becoming a social worker. Ha Ha. Looking back, I suppose, the program did an excellent job of weeding a very sick person out. And I did know that I wasn't capable of making decisions that could affect people's lives. I had no idea that all these things happen for a reason. I had no idea that I would come full circle to this place again.

I attended a conference this weekend for the non profit organization "To Write Love on Her Arms" I became aware of this suicide prevention group after my friend died. Supporting them seemed a very small way to feel as though I was doing something. I didn't do much. I joined their facebook group. Voted for them to be awarded funds and read their materials. And then they came to town and spontaneously I decided to attend. I've been toying with the idea of going back to school and reentering the human services field, most likely in the field of substance abuse but I have a lot of self doubt. I felt this from the very beginning and my sponser and therapist laughed and said I was right on target. Everyone in recovery wants to become a counsellor. But I think I knew it was a bit more than that. But I waited. They say when you are not sure to do nothing. I have a good job, make decent money and pretty much have job security. But I hate it. So anyway, I've been talking about this for 2 1/2 years. Scoping it out. But staying put. Taking no steps. But I finally did and went to this conference. I went with no expectations but I hoped to learn something that would help explain my friend's death. It didn't really. There is no real explanation. But there is understanding. And that first day, sitting in a room, it was a bar actually, believe it or not, with all these kids..who were going to school or just out of school...I felt exactly at home. The hair on my arms were raised and my emotions were overwhelming because I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And everything in my life had led me to here, my broken family, my broken education, my broken relationships, my broken body, mind and spirit and my friend's suicide. And there is beauty in that brokenness., The beauty of the Truth. Pieces to put togehter. Without the brokenness there would be no pieces. I don't know what I will end up doing. I do know that I'm checking out a certificate program at our local community college. I know that I have choices today that I didn't have when I was all clogged up with alcohol. I know that there are still defenses that are yet to be broken. But I know that when they break...I am not meant to fix them. Because they are beautiful.

Running Dialogue

2010-06-16T09:23:00.005-04:00

Last night I got my medallion from my women's group. And my sponser said some wonderful things about me which choked me up. I was thinking about how uncomfortable I get when people say nice things about me or praise my work in recovery, tell others I walk the talk, share what wonderful things I do, how quickly I seemed to "get it" and on and on. I heard someone say in a meeting once that his problem was comparing his insides to other people's outsides. And I heard a woman speak this morning about the real recovery are the bits and pieces inside that noone but God sees. Your innermost self as the Big Book describes. "We had to concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic." I "forgot" to let my morning group know in advance that it was my anniversary. But I think the real truth is that I didn't want to hear all the congratulations because I didn't want to hear the running dialogue inside my head:

They don't really know you if they did they would never say this
Guess you pulled one over on them
You don't deserve this
It's not true, It's a lie
You are Bad, don't believe them

and on and on......the "twisted thinking"....and as I do the work on my fourth step I am uncovering the real truth in my fears...fear that I am unworthy, less than, unaccepted, unloved. And all the evidence to the contrary as evidenced by these wonderful people in my life is not enough to conquer the running dialogue. I will still beat myself up.

And on the flip side....the balancing act...is a not to believe for a second that I..the big ME...has anything to do with anything. Pride is just another word for fear. If these good things are true, real...its because of a Higher Power in the universe...my job is to connect. And I am so grateful to AA for showing me how through the twelve steps. I pray that someday the inner dialogue will go away. I am convinced that it will because the obsession to drink went away as promised. The physical and mental aspect of my disease is gone, erased..I am neutral about alcohol. And though that's no small thing..erasing this inner dialogue is where the rubber meets the road. Its the solution to the spiritual malady from which I suffered and continue to suffer. I only want one dialogue...one channel.....that of peace. I know it is possible because our book tells us it is...and because I experience glimpses of it...but I also know it is an ideal..and that I may never reach it but as long as I "patiently strive" towards that ideal I am closer, and better, and that is evidenced in my own life because I can write this about the inner dialogue and speak to it and not keep it a big, dark secret.

A man from our morning group celebrated his year anniversary today and he shared that a year ago he had tried to commit suicide, that he had planned for it and he had been excited about his plan. I identified with that..not with the suicide part..that's not part of my story..but the fact that he thought he had found a solution to his problems and he was exicited for it. How wonderful that he did not suceed in HIS solution and that he found the REAL Solution. That is something to be excited for and I am. xo

Busy as a Bee

2010-06-13T08:23:00.003-04:00

My friend is coming for a visit next weekend. She's the one I was supposed to go to London with last September who broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years just before. At the time I was full of worry about the lost deposit on the trip and she was full of worry about whether she was doing the right thing. It's amazing how more and more examples of what stepping aside and letting go and letting things happen as they may....usually and almost always work out better than anything we could have planned. A New Employer as they say. So instead of what we had originally planned, I went on this fantastic trip with my family and she's getting married in September to a wonderful man. Unfortunately, she had to move to Indiana but she's coming back for a visit with her Stepsisters and to make wedding arrangements and staying with me. I'm going to have an open house Saturday night for our Tuesday night group where we can present her with her 5 year medallion that she missed while away.

Needless to say, I'm trying to get ready for that. For some of us, living in a two story house can be dangerous. I can keep the downstairs relatively orderly and clean...but how do we do that...we shove everything upstairs! My daughter's room has been in a state of flux since she went away to college..as I try to turn it into an office/guest room. Well now its done! YAY! And my closets are cleaned and the bathroom is decorated. It makes me happy. Sadly, even with the sign "USE ME" on the hamper, my son will continue to throw his clothes on the bathroom floor, LOL! I told him to take a look at the two other bedrooms so he can absorb what a clean room looks like. I have to take responsibility that he was not taught this so I can't have any expectations from him.

Doing these mundane chores used to be the perfect drinking occasion for me. And they'd never get done, big suprise. Instead, I enjoyed the England v. USA match as I organized and was so happy USA did not lose. While we were in England we were able to catch the Premier League championship game that Chelsea (my son's favorite team) won so I do have an affinity to certain English players but I'm USA all the way. Will watch Serbia play this morning..I'd love to be there, my brother is as he has his dream job where he gets to watch and talk about soccer and get paid for it. So I am enjoying following his journey.

Back to work!

2010-06-12T09:44:00.005-04:00

So here I am...3 years and still sober. I spent the day yesterday doing much of what I've been doing. I went to my morning meeting. I hadn't made any special notice that it was my anniversary. I guess we are supposed to put our name on a calendar so they can pass a card around. I wasn't sure cause we have a member list as well that contains our sobriety dates. So I figured what happens will happen. And yes they need the calendar. But we do chips every day and they end with asking whether anyone has a yearly so I stood up then. And the woman who did the chips was the very same woman who encouraged me on the the day I received my 24 hour chip so it was special to me. The founder of the group scolded me for not letting anyone know...I didn't really do it on purpose but to be honest I was glad that What's Good About Today did not revolve around my anniversary because that is what would have happened and its embarrassing. After she scolded me, she came back and congratulated me too. I'm all for celebrations so maybe it was wrong not to let them make a big deal out of it...but I felt good.

I went to work and we are slow so I spent much of the day catching up on bloggerville in between phone calls and tasks. Writing my post and reading others. I went back and read my early days of sobriety and how I felt. If it had not been for this outlet and the ability to have these meetings between meetings where I could put ALL my focus on sobriety I'm not sure where I'd be. So maybe its wrong to spend work time on personal stuff but its what I needed to stay sober and become a worker among workers. It's a balancing act.

I spent the afternoon with my mother. She's an alcoholic who is permanently disabled with Korsakoff's syndrome. No chance of recovery but she doesn't drink. Instead her disease now manifests in hoarding and obsessive compulsive behavior. We try to manage it with medication and she is seemed good since adding an antidepressant. I was able to bring her to the facilities computer and share her grandchildren's facebook photos and the like. This was quality time that we have not spent in years. So it was encouraging.

And last night I spoke at a woman's meeting I attend so that was good. And then all the shares I tried to avoid at the morning meeting were spoken and it was special. These are the woman who are a part of my life and I love them. They are role models and they are compadres. As usual, afterwards I feel like I didn't say what I wanted but I guess I said what I needed. And I was spent. Went to a comedy show with my sponser and her friend. It was really bad and I had to make my exit.....that bad.

So what's new? I've lost 43 lbs since September. South Beach diet style. I don't like to say I'm on a diet but that I changed my diet. Sugar free, Low fat, whole grains..the way we are supposed to eat if we want to be healthy. I can only imagine what would happen if I actually exercised...I've been trying to get into a discipline of walking and it will come..I have a bad back so it hinders progress....but I know I'll get there. I enjoy interacting with my friends on Facebook...maybe why I haven't been here so much. I'm STILL writing my fourth step...with occasional lulls. I guess its just that since I went through the steps in that first year with my ass on fire..this time is more to help me increase my conscious contact..break down those ego driven barriers...and so my ego gets in the way sometimes as does that 5 syllable word for sloth..procrastination. But I need to do it..I paused the ninth step so I could do this.....and I know that is the step that will set me free....I'm still married to the same man..still have the same job (though I so want to change that [the job not the marriage]..but my Sponser says wait...I'm not sure that I will). I sponser 2 women...one is on her fourth step and not rushing..and the other is anxious to get there. I still put my hand out whenever I can and I've learned that NOTHING is up to me. Still practicing Centering Prayer as my primary source of meditation though like everything my discipline experiences lulls.

I had an wonderful opportunity to meet Irish Friend of Bill and johno in May as my family went abroad to visit my daughter in Germany. I felt like I was encountering celebrities and it was wonderful as these two women were the very first to find me in blogland and encourage me and guide me to and through AA. It was a trip of a lifetime for us and we had the best of times and the worst of times..."European Vacation" style.
I learned on this trip that I have an unshakable foundation as described in the 12 x 12. I wasn't able to get to meetings that i had lined up between logistics and timing but I stayed sober and felt great. Did get to a meditation meeting in London though and it was great. Would have loved to check out the meetings in Germany and Czech Republic but maybe next time. I'd love to get to San Antonio but this trip took a lot of finances from us even with the tax refund that funded most of it...so I'll have to wait till the next one.

Have a great day......its good to be writing again.

ps: the sign is from around Windsor Castle.....took all I had not to steal it:) xo

THREE YEARS

2010-06-11T09:04:00.002-04:00

Hey There...its been awhile. Today is three years for me. Three years ago I woke up on this mornng..it was a Monday...and I was soooooooooooooooo hungover. I hadn't passed out, I hadn't blackout...but it had been a weekend that I had planned to quit drinking yet again and I hadn't. The day before was a nice day and I spent it on my porch reading and drinking wine...then I made dinner and I drank wine...then we watched the Sopranos finale and I drank wine. And then I went to bed. And when I woke up I was sick...again. And I couldn't go to work...again. I was shaking, my insides had siezed in a constant feeling of panic and anxiety. I looked like shit. I stank. I could not pull it together. So I faked a cold and called in sick and I layed down on my couch full of the "bitter morass of self pity." But I was restless and discontent...I was really angry with myself and full of shame...and a thought came to me that I could not go on like this and I didn't want this to be just another day. I knew I could just fall back asleep and sleep it off....eat something big and gross and I'd feel physically better, this was my practice and I'd drink again...but I didn't want to drink again. So I went to my computer....I went to the AA Beginners Group on Yahoo and read their posts.....I'd been lurking there for a few years thinking maybe I had a problem...maybe I could learn something that could help me solve the problem...I didn't really want to do anything....I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to be able to have a drink and not feel this way. I didn't know I could never have a drink. That the first one I spent so much time justifying and rationalizing was the one that got me every time. I thought maybe I needed rehab so I looked for ones in my area...there was a doctor who wrote articles on alcholism in our local paper and I looked him up. Then I stumbled upon the Top 100 Sober Blogs....and started reading....actually I read a blog called Journey to Recovery by Red Headed Gal and I very much identified with her. I spent my day on the computer doing this stuff and then I went to bed. I didn't tell my husband I was planning to quit...I just didn't have a drink for that one day. Then the next day I thought maybe I should start my own blog....journal...I'd never done that before. And I thought, maybe I should follow some of the suggestions I'd read in the book Living Sober...and that the members of AABC talked about. And so I started my own little progam taking a little of this and a little of that and then I wrote about it here. And a few people found me and welcomed me...made some suggestions.....redirected me...until after about 2 weeks of trying it alone....I knew it wasn't working this little program of my own design and I took the plunge...I went to my first AA meeting and I've been going ever since. It works. But I can't just sit there and expect to become sober just as you can't sit in a garage and expect to become a car. I had to take the actual steps....and I did and the obsession to drink was lifted. When I understood that my body reacted to alcohol in an abnormal way, my guilt and shame at my inability to control my drinking subsided...and when I learned there was a Solution and followed the guidelines in How it Works..I experienced a Spiritual Awakening that replaced all desire for alcohol and provided me with a way of experiencing and looking at the world with new eyes. And though I had no idea a Spiritual Awakening is what was coming..it did. And it may not be a thunderbolt or white light..it may not be conventional in any sense...but Its a new beginning. and I am very grateful.

So the apples are for my teachers..for all of you bloggers who share your lives and offer such inspiration and support, for the members of AABC who carry the message to people like me, afraid and ashamed, to Bill W and Dr Bob for discovering and sharing the solution that worked for them..because before that there was no solution. It was graveyards, looney bins or the streets. For my sponsers and the women and men of my community who make going to meetings a profound experience. For the people in my life who cause me pain and suffering that I learn how to grow, for my family who continues to support me and teaches me to practice these principles in all my affairs. I am surrounded by Grace and it is beautiful. Thank you...xoxoxox

Howdy!

2009-12-13T07:54:00.002-05:00

Steve E. suggested I take a few moments to say Howdy and I try to follow suggestions from the "oldtimers" so HOWDY! ... All is well in my world....One thing that's great in my world is, it is small. I remember when I first got to AA everything seemed so BIG! and BIG meant overwhelming. Gradually, through a program of action, things seem small today. All I have is what is right in front of me. I need to keep that especially clear during this holiday season.

So I think I will hit a church service this morning...maybe even 2 (i'm trying to decide between 2 churches if I decide to become a church person). Then decorate the Christmas tree..joy...then pay the bills..not so much joy......and gather paperwork for a refinace....really not joy but will lead to peace.....a little online shopping.....then make the chicken soup for dinner....a typical day if you swap out church for AA meeting....

so Howdy to y'all! xo

My Grandmother's Lamp

2009-11-22T06:23:00.002-05:00

This was my grandmother's lamp. When she died, my aunt asked me if there were any of her possessions I particularly wanted and this was it. I always loved this lamp and it reminded me of the fond memories I have of going to Grandma's house when I was a child. Grandma's house was the place of unconditional love. It was the only place of unconditional love that I was aware of at the time. It represented all of my instinctual needs being met. My desire for love and affection, security and survival, power and control. The lamp was upstairs, first in my aunt's bedroom and then in the hallway. Upstairs where the bedrooms were, which were pretty and soft. Unlike our bedrooms at home, which were small, undecorated, cold and crowded. The tv room was upstairs too where I could snuggle with my Grandma and watch her stories or have a lunch of grilled cheese and ginger ale while she took a break from ironing and watch Hollywood Squares. Grandma's house was also the place where I did not have to compete for attention. 2 weeks of every summer I got to go and be the only child, away from my two brothers. Not that I was doted upon but I was included. It was simple things, we did laundry on Mondays through an old wringer washer and hung on the line, ironing on Tuesdays while my Grandmother talked on the phone to her sisters, dusted on Wednesdays, listening to the soundtrack from Sound of Music (the Broadway production with Mary Martin, mind you), vacumed on Thursdays (though we carpet swept every day), grocery shopped on Fridays (at the Giant Eagle and Kroger because one had good bread and one had the sales). We picked lettuce from the garden and made dinner and then went for frozen custard. Sometimes I got to help in the hospital gift shop where she volunteered. Sometimes I got to swim at the community pool. It was just me and Grandma until Grandpa came home from work with his silly jokes. We went to Serbian Church on Sundays and it smelled good and was safe. Then my parents would come to get me and we'd have a big Sunday dinner that always started with homemade chicken noodle soup with the best noodles you have ever tasted. I hated to leave, to the point of attempting to run away from home at the age of about 6 or 7, packing my mother's white round American Touristor hard suitcase with a package of american cheese, by sitting in our apartment stairwell for an hour or so because my parents wouldn't let me stay longer.

If you look closely the top of the lamp no longer matches the bottom. Its design is pretty close for 60-70 years later but the glass is different, frosted not milky. The lamp reminds me of something different now. It was shipped to me from Pennsylvania and remained intact. It remained intact for about 1 1/2 years in our small condo. It survived our move across the river to our new home. But one day, during a simple little pillow fight, well you can guess it. My children broke the lamp. It was not done intentionally. They weren't even really fighting. They were fooling around in the living room as children do, they were laughing and joyous, they were middle school age, and a pillow went soaring across room, somebody ducked and the lamp crashed to the floor and it was unfixable. What I did to those children after that is unforgivable. I didn't beat them or anything. Did not cause physical pain but I screamed at them like I have never screamed before. I cried and swore. I was on my knees. I was inconsolable. I banished them to their rooms. I would not talk to them. The look on my son's face is one I will never forget. My daughter was upset, perhaps not as devastated by my reaction as my son because she was just that much older that disdain for me had entered her psyche. I'm not sure if I had glass in hand at that moment in time, I probably did, I usually did, but I was certainly in the throws of active alcoholism. I don't remember how much time passed, a few hours or a few days, I did apologize for my overreaction and explained why the lamp was important to me, or at least I think I did. I had grounded them, I don't remember for how long. I made them write me letters of apology. My son's was poignant. My daughter's less so. But they certainly learned their lesson. Though what that lesson was I'm not sure. I think the lesson they probably learned the most was that Mom loved the lamp more than she loved them. I can't forgive myself for that. I should not say can't though. I haven't. I hope to.

My selfish desire to have that pretty lamp and its memories overrode my love for them. I was dishonest when I let them believe that their normal childhood behavior was bad. I was self seeking when I wanted to feel better by acting out and making them feel bad. By making them jump through hoops to earn my love back. My fear, the real truth, was that I was not loved, by my parents or my children. That the lamp and everything it represented to me was gone. I owe my children an amends for this. This had nothing to do with the lamp or them. It was simply about an emptiness which was being filled by the lamp...when it could have been filled by a Higher Power. I am grateful it is now.

My Dad Would Have Been 70 today

2009-11-16T10:22:00.002-05:00

Today would have been my Dad's 70th birthday. He was only 58 when Non Hodgkins Lymphoma took his life. I am very grateful that I was able to get to the hospital in time to have had some last meaningful words with him and stay at his bedside for the last week of his life. When he died, I felt like the safety net had been ripped from under me. But I think I was wrong about that. I miss him and am sad for how young he was...and how life dramatically changed for our family after he died. But at the same time I know that his presence in my life both before and after his death was a gift. And I am grateful to receive it. And now I'm not sure if I'm even talking about my Dad.

So, the Spirit moved me.....

2009-11-12T05:57:00.004-05:00

While on a walk, which I was trying to do in silent meditation, the thought occurred to me how many of us are looking for relief. When I was three months sober, I had a reservation. I was going camping with my girlfriends. I had excused myself from our gatherings thus far because wine had always been a part of them, at least for me. But I didn't want to avoid our annual camping trip and thought that I was ready to engage without drinking and that if need be I could "come out" to them as an alcoholic. BUT...I knew one of them would be bringing pot and I thought maybe, just maybe, I would partake. That wouldn't be breaking my newfound resolve, would it? I didn't think about it much, it was just in the back of my mind. I didn't talk to anyone about it, least of all my sponser. It was just there. A way out. I was looking for a way out of sobriety. Sobriety seemed so BIG then. I was looking for relief. And that's what many of us are looking for...relief. Relief seeking missles.

I find my relief now in Steps 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis.

I didn't smoke the pot. Thankfully, a Higher Power stepped in. My friend who brought the pot smoked it in secret because she didn't want to share that she smoked pot with another woman who had joined us. So I was by the fire with that woman and another, while the others snuck behind a tent to get high with no announcement. And the fact that I wasn't drinking came up in our campfire discussion and I shared my disease with them and they were very supportive. As I excused myself to use the restroom, I passed my other friends behind the tent. I didn't stop and my reservation was gone and when I got home I discussed it with my sponser who smiled knowingly. I had wanted relief from the bigness of staying sober...the rest of my life.

People seek relief through medications...or I should say..the misuse of medications. I could too. Percoset, Xanax, whatever....I could manufacture some pain very easily...and I have, when I was drinking. If they are, they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. I was on antidepressants when I got sober and I am not opining on the use of antidepressants. I believe that there are people who legitamately need them, who are incapcitated without them. I wasn't one of them. I got on antidepressants when I was entering the incomprehensible demoralization of alcoholism. I didn't know it then. I heard recently someone talk about that invisible line that we cross from hard drinker into alcoholism. He said he was drunk when he crossed it. I think I was too. My life was simply unmanageable, I didn't know why, and when my primary care phycisian asked me how I was I burst into tears. She suggested antidepressants and I jumped. (Of course I was not honest with her about the amount I drank.) And they worked for a time..even naturally cut back on my drinking for a very short period of time. I thought they were the answers to all my problems. But alcoholic I am and my excessive drinking quickly resurfaced with a vengenance. When I stopped drinking, I was afraid to go off them. Afraid without them I would drink again...but amazingly...that didn't happen. I got my relief from Steps, 10, 11 & 12.

People seek relief through sex. I could too, and I'm not talking about with my husband...or yes, it could be even with my husband. If they are they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. And on and on it could go, food, gambling, shopping, and more. These are no longer the things I rely on to provide relief. Is that always the case? Absolutely not. I am not a saint. And I forget. And then I find myself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, whatever. And if I take a rigorously honest look at myself, when those feelings arise, I can say I was NOT practicing Steps 10, 11 & 12.

That is why I can say I am grateful to be an alcoholic. Without suffering this disease, Steps 10, 11 & 12 never would have entered my life. My relief from day to day life, Life 101 if you will, would have come from all those outside sources and then some. Because I have this disease which I must treat on a daily basis, I have been given a design for living, through Steps 10, 11 & 12. Thank You.

Letting Go

2009-10-19T17:20:00.002-04:00

Well its been a month since I last posted. It was sporadic before that. I think the time has come to let go of the blog. Not completely. It will still be here. Maybe in the future someone like me will spend their first day of sobriety searching the internet for help and stumble upon my story. So I will leave it up but I didn't want to leave without thanking all of you bloggers out there who inspired me, guided me, taught me, redirected me and last but not least made me laugh. Writing about myself and my thoughts has been instrumental in helping me get and stay sober. And reading your stories has as well. I won't be gone for long I am sure. I am writing now...and in other venues (most importantly being my fourth step again)...I know that I cannot leave that which I know is critical. I must be vigilant about expressing myself. It was that lack of self expression that was one of those underlying conditions we talk about. So vigilance. Life is good and full...thank you God.

and finally, Let's Stay Sober Out There....xo, Kathy Lynne

My Sister, Who's a Sister, But I Don't Call Her Sister

2009-09-18T10:01:00.006-04:00

This is Sister Maurice (on the right) not with her sister but with her dear friend Sister Rose (who is not her sister but is a Sister). Got That? They've been friends for 50 years...amazing. The retreat at the Wilson House was very nice. Met some nice people. I loved Sister Maurice..she knows what she's talking about, she's clear, down to earth, she's very funny, she's kind, old school and reminds me of my grandmother but with a sense of humor. What evoked the most emotional response from me was her discussion on self worth and self esteem. Self esteem is our perception of self worth. Self worth never changes..it is given to us. We are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars. I think this weekend revealed to me that I do not value my self worth. I have never in my life thought of myself as having low self esteem but since her discussion brought up a lot of emotion for me I think I need to look at that. I think perhaps I have been confusing humility with self esteem. Most of the time I honestly just don't think I'm worth it. But that's not being humble that's devaluing my self worth. The only way for me to reflect my self worth and improve my self esteem, I must continue to work on my relationship with my Higher Power. So as long as I'm working my Step 11 on a daily basis, I should be okay.

The other big takeaway for me was her note that peace at any price is not love and that we must break the silence. Silence signifies acceptance. That will be a tough one but she gave us some concrete tools to break the silence and to handle what's "pitched" at us. I haven't tried it yet but I have passed it on. I also really enjoyed hearing Sister Rose's story as a member of Al-Anon. Other than the few al anon blogs I read here, this was the first time I heard someone's story (who is not an alcoholic) and it gave me a much needed perspective on how my husband must have felt and maybe still feels. It'd be cool if he wanted or was willing to check out AlAnon but I don't see that happening in the near future but it certainly helped me. And it is all about me.

This weekend I go on another retreat of sorts. Camping with the girls. We'll go up north to a really nice lake and state campground. Kayak and Cook...really looking forward to it. It's supposed to be sunny and nice...the last hurrah of the summer. My friends are not alcoholic but they've been very supportive in my journey and though I'm sure they'll be drinkiing wine I'm sure they won't be drinking as much as I was when I was active.

Have a great weekend!

Great Joy

2009-09-17T11:45:00.002-04:00

I am getting used to my empty nest. Truth be told I like it. But what I also really enjoy is hearing the neighborhood children play. My husband and I are surrounded by young families with lots of children. They play most frequently in my neighbor's yard. Our yards abutt each other, there are no fences or separation and we long ago told them not to worry about their young children being mindful of boundries. Our yard's just sitting there not getting much use...ball playing days are over....sigh...so the children frequently use our yard as second base, etc. To the point when my nephew was visiting and my son took him out to toss the ball, little Rosie asked my son to please go away, what was he doing in her yard. He explained that it was his yard..but we're not sure if she understood.

We have a huge, wild forsythia in the back..very overgrown...just enough so that the neighborhood boys have built a secret hideaway fort. I fondly remember playing in the woods across the street when we were growing up...my forsythia is as close to the woods as these kids are going to get. But nothing gives me greater joy that to overhear those boys plot and plan while I sit reading on my deck. Then to hear them called for supper......it gives me hope. Some things never change.

2009-09-11T10:07:00.004-04:00

This is where I'll be this weekend. Another retreat at the Wilson House in Vermont. This time hosted by Sister Maurice. I've heard wonderful things about her so I'm looking forward to strengthening my spiritual practice. One thing I know is that I have no mental defense against the first drink. My defense is spiritual in nature and the more conscious contact I practice the better my chances are of staying sober.

I am going with my friend that I wrote about yesterday. I appreciate all of your comments. It helped to firm my resolve of what the right thing to do or not do was. This trip was not meant to be...but my husband and I will enjoy a different trip in the spring. And as far as the money goes, its out of my hands. If I get it back I will be very grateful but if I don't I will chalk it up to experience and a lesson learned. I could never accept the money from my friend. And just to clarify, she didn't lure me into this trip under false pretenses. She was where she was and I knew where she was. So I went into this with full knowledge and understanding. My post yesterday was more about where I sometimes go in my head and how grateful I am that I don't have to stay there anymore. I'll let y'all know if and when the money comes back. I did receive an email that he was "almost positive" they'd found replacements for us. It's the "almost" that gets me. Keeps me in limbo which is where I was yesterday. Today I am not in limbo.

Lastly, I leave you with my favorite image from 9/11/01. It symbolizes the devastation of that day as well as the hope. The incredible loss of innocent victims. The bravery and service of our firefighters, the passengers of Flight 93, and our country as a whole. To quote Charles Dickens..It was the best of times, It was the worst of times.

Taking a Trip, Not Taking a Trip

2009-09-10T05:56:00.005-04:00

So I've got this dilemma. And I just now looked at my part in it and I feel much better. A friend was planning to join her boyfriend on a trip to Ireland/London in October. She had concerns because the theme of the trip was pub hopping. In our conversation about the trip, I said wouldn't it be fun if my husband and I went. She and I could veer off the pub parts of the trip to do meetings/siteseeing and my husband would have enjoyed having a friend to explore pubs with. Not to mention finally getting overseas and seeing the world. I loved how the trip was planned and I didn't have to do anything but pay my money and pack my suitcase. Easy. Well, not so easy after all. My friend and her partner broke up after 10 years. It had been coming on her part for a long time and she finally was able to make the decision. That's what sobriety will do to you not to mention meeting someone else. Make you stronger.

So now the allure of the trip is tainted. We don't know anyone else going except for the jilted lover. She's definately not going. He's devastated and we don't really know him either. Going now would be very uncomfortable. And my husband was never fully on board in the first place. He has a fear of flying (well not flying exactly but he's claustrophobic). We talked it over and felt that for this kind of money and this kind of trip, we don't want to be uncomfortable and would prefer waiting until the spring when our daughter studies abroad in Germany. We could incorporate a visit with her with our desire to travel. But we've got a $1,200 deposit into this. Supposedly there were people on a waiting list but we still haven't got our money back. I'm a few emails into it...the possilbility of getting it back hasn't been ruled out so I'm hoping and praying. Trying to think positive. I'm trying not to focus on the money but its hard. If we don't get it back a trip in the spring may be impossible. And if we aren't going to get it back should we go anyway? We'd have to come up with even more money to take a trip we don't want to take. Maybe we should just make the best of it.

When my friend first made this decision, she said she'd cover our losses if it came to that. I told her not to let our participation in the trip affect her decision, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it and I meant it. Seemed like the right thing to do. Now that the decision has been made, I want my money back wherever it comes from. I'm an innocent bystander. Collateral damage. Is it fair for me to want my friend to cover this if we don't get our deposit back? It was her decision after all and she encouraged me to do this trip. And now that we're at the bridge there is no mention of it. Well, last night she said she'd sell a kidney to get my money back to me. I don't want that. It's a wait and see moment and its hard to wait. But I'm doing my best to do the right thing.

My part..I acted impulsively. I knew this relationship was on shaky ground but my desire to go on a trip with my friend (and not my husband alone) outweighed the concerns. My excitement at doing something I've wanted to do for awhile combined with the possibility of meeting some online friends totally overrode reason. I steamrolled my husband into taking this trip when he was ambivalent. I knew the relationship was on shaky ground. It's like putting your money into a failing bank. That's what I did. I have to keep my focus on my part and not the part of others. Their motives and behaviors have nothing to do with me. So when the fear crops up, the resentment creeps on the sidelines...she should have, he could...if it were me, I would....I've got to stay where I am. I did and now what.

Happiness

2009-09-08T05:55:00.005-04:00

I don't know how to write this without sounding, well.... jealous. And I'm not jealous but I do feel uncomfortable. And I've had trouble figuring out why. So jealousy could be the cause but I don't think so. There is a small group of women that I have become friendly with in AA. They are the ones I socialize with, go on retreats, have tea, etc. outside of the rooms. They are all going through enormous change....one is my sponser who ended her 17 yr marriage, the other a close friend who ended her 10 yr relationship, another friend is having all kinds of job, home and relationship changes as well, and one is talking about moving up north where she'll feel more tapped into her community. I only share the major part of their specific issues to exemplify that these are major changes I'm talking about. And while other men are involved in the relationship issues they are not the causes of them. I appreciate that they consider me a friend as well as a fellow AA member that they can talk to through these things. On the other hand, my world has not changed with the exception of the empty nest. I guess maybe the issue is that I can't identify. I have the same marriage, the same home, the same job, the same weight, etc. The only thing that isn't the same is that I am sober.

What I need to keep up front is that they have all been sober much longer than me...I can't have their sobriety and the life choices that come along with that...I can't hurry up, I can't have 20 yrs when I have 2 yrs, I can't change things I'm not ready or even know if they need changing....I can only be where I am. But I guess I feel like I'm being left behind. That's not reality though. That's the twisted thinking in my head. So I'm happy in my calm peaceful way...trying to stay a steady course and leave drama behind. But doing that around giddy romance can be difficult.

My Baby

2009-09-06T07:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my son's 19th birthday. We moved him into his college dorm on Tuesday. I was very thankful that he was willing for us to come back to take him to breakfast for his birthday. Usually we do dinner but it was a good compromise. The last year has been a rough one for me emotionally with him. He has a lot of disdain for me and while I know some of it is developmental and a part of separating, I also know that a lot of it has to do with my alcoholism. I have not made my amends to him yet. In the last few months it became very important to me to make my amends to him before he left. I saw behaviours of his that I hoped the amends would perhaps soften. And at the very least, it would not be hanging over my head, this most important of amends.

I started to prepare, talking it over with my sponser, but there never seemed to be an opportunity. Honestly, he hasn't been around much between his work schedule, soccer schedule and time with his friends. He joked that he was preparing us for when he left. When the time did present itself he was so focused on what he needed to do to get to college, I began to feel that my reasons for making amends to him were more about me than about him. That if I was focused strictly on his needs I would allow him to process leaving home and start this new chapter in his life without the burden of whatever that amends conversation would bring. I know for sure it would bring tears from me as much as I would try not to and this is a young man that does not suffer tears or emotion well. So maybe I chickened out or maybe I have finally become willing to more thoughtfully approach situations that used to baffle me. Not act from my own self-centered needs and wants. My M-O, as many alcoholics, is to want something done NOW. Immediate gratification. Another opportunity will present itself, and it will be the right time. He will be settled into his new life and I will be ready. So I think in the end, in examining my motives, I am fairly certain that I was not acting out of fear (though to be honest it was there), but I was more taking the self (my self) out of the equation and thinking about what was best for my son. That's what mother's do. But that is not to say that I am not going to make my amends at the next opportunity. It will happen and the sooner the better.

I thought I had an Epiphany

2009-09-04T05:48:00.004-04:00

So just to carry on from yesterday...in my full moon musings....I had come to the conclusion that even though I felt shaky that ultimately, and I do believe this is true, my life is between me and God. When I experience difficulties, while it may help and be nice to go to a sponser, a trusted friend, a therapist, a meeting, etc., ultimately I must be with God to take the next step. Then...last night we read in Step Five of the 12 x12...

The second difficulty is this: what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation, and there can be no doubt in our minds what that advice is. Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were sorely mistaken. Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded themselves and were able to justify the most arrant nonsense on the ground that this was what God had told them. It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic, blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice of others may be by no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any direct guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in establishing contact with a Power greater than ourselves.
And its true, that's exactly where I was going with it, rationalization, wishful thinking, delusion and arrant nonsense. Epiphany, Shmiphany. You get what you need. It's very true.

The Golden Key

2009-09-03T09:15:00.003-04:00

According to Emmet Fox, the Golden Key is the means to help solve all kinds of problems and overcome all sorts of handicaps. It is simply this...."Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead." He says that all that is essential is to have an open mind and sufficient faith. That's where I think I am getting stuck. I've got the open mind...definately..but sufficient faith? I'm not so sure.

I wondered at the full moon last night, after a lengthy "conversation" with my husband in which halfway through I began to practice the Golden Key. God is with me, I kept repeating to myself trying to replace the thoughts and feelings I was having towards him. Not necessarily about the subject at hand, but as a good alcoholic I went way beyond that, more of whether or not I could live the rest of my life with this man. I stopped the thought and replaced it, I did. It helped. But I guess where I wonder about sufficiency is that, for me, part of coming to believe was accepting that I did not understand the "God of my understanding." I could not define my Higher Power, just that It Is. Be Still and Know that I Am. And I feel a certain serenity and peace most of the time with that. But is not understanding and just accepting enough? It feels shaky. I think of Ted Kennedy who had enormous faith, one whose life did not always adhere to the principles of that faith, yet he held on and managed to live a redemptive life that did a lot of good for alot of people. He perservered. He seemed to garner strength and courage from his faith. I don't feel strong and courageous. And I don't feel that my convictions are firm. I accept but I'm not sure I trust. But I'm open. I'll try it.

What I know for sure and what I say to newcomers all the time, is that this is a practice, we hear and see it all the time in the pages of the Big Book...practice these principles... practice implies progress..and progress implies growth. The answers will come if our house is in order. Situations that used to baffle us will suddenly become clear. I was a drunk and now I am not. I practiced what I learned in AA, followed suggestions, and committed to the process of the 12 steps. I am a sober woman...I have to start there.

The Invitation

2009-09-02T09:11:00.004-04:00

The Invitation
Written by - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“ Yes .”

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments

Hard to believe that these are the thoughts expressed at a business university...its encouraging. Just emptied my nest and I am hoping to get back to blogging. I've missed it and I've missed my fellow bloggers. So I am hoping to make a gradual return..to this venue which has been critical to my sobriety. I need it and I have felt something missing in these last days of a hectic summer. But I'm sober, I''m grateful and I'm at peace.

NOOMA Rain | 001 Rob Bell - Full-Length Version

2009-08-27T07:43:00.001-04:00

2009-07-20T10:26:00.002-04:00

The weekend was wonderful, although we decided that 3 days with Mom was probably one too many:) But we had a great time finding our way through NYC, getting pedicures and seeing the show. Hair was amazing. I teared up from the opening number of Aquarius with nostalgia and when they all got naked it wasn't really a shock but very integral to the theme and during a very emotional song so I was crying then too.....sometimes it seems all I do is cry. It was also a revelation that the song Let the Sun Shine wasn't really a joyful song but more of a plea. Again, very emotional. And Rent. What can I say about Rent? I have seen this show many, many times. I love the music and the message. I never saw the original Broadway production and seeing it with original cast members, Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, was a HUGE difference. They ARE Mark and Roger. If this show travels to your area, do yourself a favor and go see it. The rest of the cast of this particular tour was very good as well.

Sadly while I was away I learned a friend of mine had passed away from breast cancer and her service was Saturday. She lived on the beach and was always very generous to our family, allowing us to park at her home to use the beach. I worked with her daughter and we partied together often back in our waitressing days. A friend who attended the memorial told me her daughter had just returned from our local hospital where she was hospitalized due to alcoholism. It sounds like she almost died from withdrawal seizures and had been confined to a wheelchair. My friend told her about me and my sobriety and she wants to talk to me. Maybe she is ready......I won't know but I can reach out to her and tell her my story and carry the message to her. It will be quite different from our middle of the night drunken phone calls when she lived in Key West.

Shining, Streaming, Gleaming, Flaxen, Waxen

2009-07-17T11:25:00.004-04:00

Heading out for the weekend. Get to pick up my daughter at a friend's she's visiting in CT and then head to NYC to see the Broadway musical Hair. I am very grateful that my daughter wants to spend time with me and that we share a love of Broadway musicals. I have a particular fondness for the music of Hair as it was my very first album that I got for Christmas of my fourth grade year with my very first stereo. I listened to the album over and over. But I've never seen the show. Movie, yes, but not the show. I gave her these tickets for Christmas and for Mother's Day she invited me to the show instead of a friend. Not sure that would have happened if I was still drinking.

While in NYC we will dog sit for my nephew dog, Rooney, while my brother's family is on vacation. And we get a free place to stay. I know where the meetings are and my daughter and I will get to play city girls. Walking dogs, getting pedicures, seeing the show.

Then we will return home via Boston and see the musical RENT. Both of us are huge Rentheads and this show features the 2 actors who originated the main charachters of Roger and Mark.

No Day Like Today!

Call Your Sponser

2009-07-14T08:51:00.003-04:00

I've also been grappling with sponsership. As I discovered, I think one of the underlying motivations in going through the steps again was to avoid this vital aspect of our program. I could justifiably say...No, I can't sponser yet, I'm not far enough along. And in Big Book Step Study this is true. Their group conscious states that you must have completed the process with a BBSS sponser. But in AA this is not true. I have been through the steps once and try to practice them daily, and while I obviously cannot share what I haven't got, I can share what I have. So I've stopped saying no and started saying yes. If they are willing I try to direct them to BBSS because I think that is a great way to go through the steps. But I also know that at 3 months sober I would have probably balked. My sponser actually had suggested I might like their approach way back in the beginning but I in no way wanted a different sponser. I wouldn't even go to the meeting to check it out. Another example of me not following a suggestion. So if my sponsees choose not to go, I can still take them through the BB and the steps, as my sponser did me, to the best of my ability right now and take it one day at a time. I am open with them about where I am and it seems to be working. As long as we are trudging, it's all good. And lest I forget, I of course discussed this with my sponser and my BBSS sponser.

It's a blessing to have someone ask for sponsership and its an honor. I am learning so much and having people call me for support and guidance is a miracle. I don't really feel worthy but I'm working on that. When someone pays me a compliment what am I saying about them if I tell them its not true? And again, the bottom line as always, trust and rely upon God. That third step prayer seems to be working for me and I am so grateful that it has incoporated into my being.

For Best Results, Follow Directions and Wear a Helmut

2009-07-13T16:35:00.004-04:00

Hadn't realized so much time had passed without posting. I guess I did but honestly nothing so much has changed in terms of my last post. I am exactly there. Still grappling with the mess but very very grateful for this program and the tools it has given me. In looking over my fourth step I hadn't even put my son on it this go around so I attempted to do that. I had a hard time. All I could think of was what I had done to him. So my sponser suggested I start writing that up. Now that is a tough one....not tough to do...I've got A LOT of resentments towards myself...lots of things I hate about myself, I'm angry that I've done or not done, humilations I've caused myself. It never occurred to me to put myself there until now. Kind of thought it went without saying. WRONG! So yes, its easy to come up with that list...but then its also hard to take. So I have to take it in small bites as much as I'd like to be done yesterday with this writing. The best thing I've heard in a meeting recently was..."FOR BEST RESULTS, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS", so that's what I'm trying to do follow directions for the best result. And bottom line, if I trust and rely on God...all is well.

It's finally beautiful here in New England. Perfect. But we had soooooo much rain. And now its hard to get anything done cause we were stuck inside for so long.

My son lost a childhood friend in a skateboarding accident a week or so ago. WEAR A HELMUT. So sad..the boy hadn't even reached his 18th birthday. I can't even imagine. But I am grateful that I could be there for his parents and that I believe that God is everything and can share comfort in that.

I must have bumped the top of my head on something though I can't remember doing it. Again, very grateful that my lack of memory is not caused by a blackout but merely the fact that I'm a woman of a certain age:) Then again, I can go with this...maybe I don't remember bumping my head because I didn't and the sharp stabbing pain I am feeling on the top of my head is a brain tumor pushing up. And if that's the case, I hope I can go out like Farah Fawcett with dignity and grace...wonder how many people will come to my funeral. And if all my AA friends come, then the rest of my world will know and who cares anyway if I'm dead. Do you see? Fear, doubt and insecurity. I'm looking forward to remembering how I bumped my head or the pain simply going away...whichever comes first and with a little Tyelnol I can help that along.

All right, that's it for today. I'll try not to let so much time pass again. But it is summer and the living is easy.

Made a List

2009-06-22T11:09:00.002-04:00

We were discussing Step 8 on Thursday night and I've been mulling this post ever since. As I have written here recently, I am currently writing my fourth step. This is not my first one. I began writing my original fourth step in my 3rd month of recovery. Taking the fifth step with my sponser around the 8th month. I remember discussing the rest of the steps with my sponser, moving on to 6 & 7, was I ready for 8 & 9, etc. She kept asking if I'd made my list. I thought I had (even though it was not in black and white) and I had begun making amends. I made an amends to my best friend and former roommate from high school, to my husband, to my daughter and then I stopped. I stopped because I began the process again. At some point, after attempting to sponser a couple of women and realizing that I wasn't confident in doing so (at least to my liking), I began the steps again, conceivably to get a better grasp. I understood that I had done a thorough and honest inventory but it was the best of my ability at 3 months sober and as I progressed through recovery I felt I could do a better job. And in doing so could perhaps do a better job at helping other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

As we discussed Step 8 Thursday it occurred to me that when my sponser and I had talked about making this list she kept suggesting I write it down. Made a list of all people I had harmed. I didn't do it. Me, who follows all suggestions! I had it in my head. I figured at some point I'd write it down but I didn't and I begain my amends without doing so. And then I stopped making my amends from my air brushed list because I was starting over. I now had a step study sponser with the blessing of my first sponser. We began at the beginning of the book reading it together, taking the third step together and now I'm writing my fourth step. It seemed reasonable to not continue with amends.

But I've been thinking. Is it possible that I started over, not necessarily for the supposedly altruistic motive of better carrying the message and becoming a good sponser, but more because I didn't want to make that list in the first place and continue on with the amends? The next person on the list in my head is my son. A tough cookie to talk to. One who doesn't necessarily want to hear it. One whose sole means of communication is one word responses and one word texts. Am I really simply trying to avoid that? And isn't it better to make that amends to the best of my ability whether or not I am there in the process? My son has a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards me. I am not doing him any favors by not addressing it. Some of it for sure is simply developmental, he's a teenager, just graduated, moving on and separating. Some of it has nothing to do with my alcoholism but simply Life 101 that kids tend to blame their parents for, we had to move out of town, financial matters. But some of it is a direct result of my alcoholism. Can't be easy coming home to your mother who's slurring and swaying or worse, snoring in complete pass out mode. Anyway, I talked about it at the meeting and I'll talk about it with my sponser. It's true what they say, more will be revealed. I had really convinced myself that becoming a better sponser was my motivation to going through the steps again.....and yes, that's part of it.....of course...but I cannot deny anymore that perhaps a bigger part of my motivation was FEAR...fear of making amends....and what they may or may not bring.

Pretty amazing how when your eyes are open to the presence of God, you can suddenly see. Sometimes it takes a hit over the head....it did in this instance. I had to be embarrassed by some woman making a public comment about my son's attitude towards me and my husband. My first reaction was anger and self pity. But thankfully, because I am in recovery, that didn't really even last the car ride home. I took an honest look at myself. The Step 8 meeting came right on the coattails and it became evident to me what was happening. Godsmack.

My Step Sisters

2009-06-17T05:52:00.002-04:00

My Tuesday night group is known as the stepsisters. Every single one of those women is a gift that I have received in sobriety. They are truly sisters in the deepest sense of that word. I really love them and they have helped me to learn to express that love. Something that has not been easy for me to do. I can feel it, write it, act it but to say it is like Fonzie trying to say he was s..s....s..orry..if you remember Happy Days. It's different now. And these women helped me, are helping me to get there. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Top Ten Things That Annoy Me Today

2009-06-16T15:24:00.003-04:00

It's just one of those days...

1. The woman who said my son's friends all talked about how mean he was to my husband and I. What the eff does she know and why would she share hurtful information in front of a group of people?

2. That when you get to the Dunkin Donuts window after placing your order, you have to tell your order again....not once, not twice..but three times.

3. Why would I want to go to family orientation at university on a day that my son is not attending? What would I be orienting to?

4. I sat on a wet cushion.

5. P does not come after K

6. Over the top thinking

7. The dentists appointment lady called. That's it, she called. Her voice annoys me.

8. Too many questions...and why am I responsible to know the answer?

9. Any other driver..

10. and finally, well not finally but the last thing I'll put down before I turn this all around............texting.....it takes me too long to find the letters on the phone..can't you just call and ask...much quicker.

Didn't Go

2009-06-14T18:00:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure I made the right decision. I prayed about it. But I decided not to go to the funeral for N this afternoon. Lots of things played into this. I think the number one reason I didn't go is to refute the idea that I must go. That I had to be there. Not to mention that its a miserable day and we have yet another graduation party to attend for my son's friend. I don't think it would have been negligible whether I was there of not. And frankly, I wasn't a friend. I think when I was thinking about going I was thinking more about myself. What paying my respects would do for me. He was someone I saw at a meeting. I am sure there were lots of people there to offer support to his family who wouldn't know me from a hole in the wall. I suppose my presence would have offered support to other AAs in attendence. A show of strength. Or is it a see and be seen thing? I can offer my support at the meeting and I have. I can pray for N and his family that they find peace and strength and I have. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision but I guess it is because its the decision I made. R.I.P. N

My Prospect

2009-06-13T07:05:00.003-04:00

I called her finally yesterday afternoon. Talked into her answering machine. Then she called me back and talked to my voicemail. Then I talked to hers. Remember when we didn't have voicemail? Then she did call me back and we had a nice talk until my battery died. She's 12 days sober. Going to a meeting a day. Making connections. Had a spiritual awakening in rehab. And as she says is either done or dead. I think she has clearly done Step 1. We'll talk again today. She's moving to another town but here's the kicker, the woman who went to her house with me also lives in that town. It's amazing how we're all connected in some way.

The funeral for our group member is tomorrow. He was only 36. I didn't really know him that well. We weren't "friends". But when he made it to our group and he shared, he helped me. Tremendously. He was rough and tough. He had tatoos all over his body and up his neck. He spoke of some of the terrible things he had done. But he also spoke of the deep love he had for his son and his wife. He had funny stories about fitting in with the soccer moms & dads. What his hopes and dreams were. How badly he wanted to be clean and sober. How badly he wanted to trust and rely on God. His life had not been an easy one and he had recently lost his father. I am just so so sorry that this man is one of the ones we have lost because his earnestness was plain to see. So was his frustration.

Not sure why some of us make it and some of us don't. I know the saying is there but for the Grace of God go I. I'm not sure that's it. That implies that God has favorites. Maybe it should be more like..there but for the Knowledge of the Grace of God go I. That wouldn't fit on a banner though:)

"If we want to undersand a person, we have to feel his feelings, suffer his sufferings, and enjoy his joy. The word "comprehend" is made up of the Latin roots cum, which means "with", and prehendere, which means "to grasp it or pick it up." To comprehend something means to pick it up and be one with it." Thich Nhat Hahn...Peace is Every Step p. 100

Relief

2009-06-12T10:41:00.005-04:00

We were discussing this morning how some people are experiencing the obsession to drink or use. Staying sober but struggling. Just coming back. We also talked about our alcoholic thinking twisting things around. Seems to me, that what we are really looking for is relief. Once the obsession to drink has been lifted, its gone, IMHO. What we are really looking for is relief and our alcoholic minds tells us we will find it in a drink. And if we are deluded into believing that and take that drink, we trigger the dreaded phenomenon of craving and then all bets are off and my choices are limited. I'm 51 years old. With the exception of early childhood and the last 2 years, I used alcohol to make my life bearable. It was the answer to good times and bad times. Even worse, I had no control over it. I have a disease and I wasn't treating it. And soon what I was using to make life bearable began to make my life unbearable When I experience these things now, I still need relief and I have learned new ways to achieve them. I can go to a meeting, I can talk to another alcoholic preferably my sponser, I can be of service, I can write it out, I can PRAY.....my sobriety is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition which I acquired through the 12 steps. All of these things are where I find my relief now. how I stay tight. Life still happens. Teenage boys still get in trouble with the police, husbands still don't behave the way I'd like, daughters are still self centered, bosses are still delusional, moms are still dependent and so on....life goes on...nothing changes if nothing changes. The only thing that has changed in my life equation is ME. And because of that everything has changed. Thank God for that because many of us lose our lives. I'm not ready yet.

2009-06-11T05:24:00.003-04:00

I'm just very grateful that I am sober today and that the chains of alcohol no longer bind me. I am grateful for Alcoholics Annonymous and the many people who helped me to achieve sobriety. I really don't have anything more to say. It's very early in the morning. I am going to do a prayer sit. Then I'll go to my morning meeting. I keep thinking they won't remember its my anniversary and I'll have to tell someone so they will pass a card. Actually I won't, I can just wait until they do the chip presentation at the end and not get a card. See how my mind works? Gospodi Pomiluj! Then I go to work. I have to go to my Mom's this afternoon and do another food clearout. Then another prayer sit, this time with people. Then my book club. We read a great book..Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout. I thought it was very thoughtful that when my birthday passed a couple of weeks ago one of my friend noted that I had a sober anniversary coming up as well. That's pretty impressive from someone who isn't an alcoholic to remember. She's a good friend. I bet my husband will have no idea and I'm not going to tell him. Should I?

Anyway..I'm about to enter the terrible twos....WATCH OUT! xo

ps..so yes I did go to my morning meeting and with great joy comes great sadness. Yes, they remembered and had a card for me. And many people wished me well and my heart was full. Even the guy who chaired the meeting who has never made eye contact with me or said hello gave me a hug...I was honored. Last year when I celebrated my first year a woman who had been an example to me in that group and encouraged me through those first days but had moved away just happened to be in town for a wedding and was there for my anniversary. It was one of those signs we get that if we're not awake we don't see. This year, a fellow who I had come to care about and had disappeared for a few months (and we know what that means), whom I was very worried about and praying for, showed up sober and alive. I am so grateful. And sadly, we learned the news that a member of our group died last night. He'd always struggled but his heart was good and he wanted it. I heard recently from an oldtimer that this program is not for people who need it. It's not for people who even want it. It's for people who DO it. All in one meeting....life and death, joy and sadness, beginnings and endings...the road to Happy Destiny is bumpy but I am so grateful to be trudging it.

pps..the prospect I wrote about a few weeks ago..showed up in church this week 7 days sober. I wasn't there but the church ladies were overjoyed and contacted me. Time for another 12th step call....

Ups and Downs

2009-06-10T08:59:00.002-04:00

What a rollercoaster ride the last week has been!

My son graduated high school!

My son was identified in facebook party photos (trespassing, underage drinking) annonymously sent to the police.

The principal negotiated with the police to wait until after graduation!

My son is drinking.

The owners are not going to press charges for trespassing!

The police need to save face and may pursue the underage drinking.

My son went to the prom with his beautiful girlfriend!

My son's foot is the size of a football due to an infection.

My daughter joyfully came home for the graduation cake in hand!

My daughter left vowing to never visit again because she couldn't find her bathing suit.

I am feeling incredibly proud of the tall young man I gave birth to!

I am feeling incredibly melancholy that time has passed so quickly.

My son loves his graduation gift of skydiving and cash!

My daughter feels slighted for the laptop she was given 2 years ago.

I chaperoned the all night senior celebration event and my son was glad I was there!

I was up all night and exhausted.

My cousin visited from Virginia and we had a great visit!

My 89 yr old great uncle passed away after a 3 year battle with leukemia.

My boss graciously gave me time off to deal with this stuff!

I still have to work.

Got the house organized in time for company!

I haven't had time to pay my bills.

I could go on and on....but I won't. I will just be grateful that I am sober today. That I know what to do during the highs and the lows. I may not always remember on the spot but I get there. Thanks to this program. Today marks 2 years since I last drank. That day began with a decision to never drink again. A decision I could not keep because I am an alcoholic. What I did that day is the epitiome of the doctor's opinion. I rationalized and self justified a trip to the store to buy alcohol so that I could quench the obsession. And once I had one I could not stop drinking for that day until I passed out after the Soprano's finale. I still wake up in the morning making a decision. But the decision is no longer that I will never drink again. The decision is to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. And it has worked. Thank You.

2009-06-02T09:35:00.003-04:00

Thank you Mr. Comment-a-roni...

Reading the blogs here is how my "journey to recovery" started actually. I didn't have the nerve to make comments then...and I find I am commenting less now as I pack more into the stream of life...but I am still here, still sober, still reading. And though I may not always comment, I do when I think I can help or comfort. And add my 2 cents or question to flesh out this miraculous program we have. This God given new life. And I read and am inspired, by all on my bloglist as well as those of you who aren't and I just visit now and again through your friend, let it be said. And I carry this fellowship with me wherever I go. I am blessed for this opportunity to carry the message.

Inspired by Mr. a-Roni's blog, I went back and looked at my first 2 weeks...I started posting on Day 2 after spending Day 1 reading Red Headed Gal's blog....and Scout (does she know how much she helped me?) was my first welcome...and she was also my first challenge...."are you even going to meetings?", she asked I think on Day 4...no I wasn't but that comment resonated in my head until I finally did "try" a meeting on Day 13...the encouraging comments and suggestions in the first 2 weeks from Irish Friend of Bill, johno, shadow, Judith and Kenny were comforting and helped me ease into this program, helped me to understand and want a program of recovery, one in which I did not have to rely on myself. I couldn't rely on myself. I was very unreliable. And they led me to the rest of you who I continue to rely on, on a daily basis. So thank you. And now I think I'll go over to Top 100 Sober Blogs which is apparently over 200 now, and see if I can find someone in their first 2 weeks.

Postscript

2009-05-29T09:38:00.002-04:00

"If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. " pg 90

Yesterday I got the update that the woman I was writing about yesterday checked herself out of the hospital...the doctor was an idiot...and was drinking by 5 am. I had a premonition that based upon the description I had from the church ladies who she might be. So I called another alcoholic and we paid a call on her yesterday afternoon. Before we went I read the chapter on Working with Others. I called my sponser as well as another woman who I had hoped would join us, she couldn't. When we got there I could see her moving around inside and we approached the door where she met us, pocketbook in hand. She was who I had remembered from my Tuesday night group, someone who struggled. I asked her if she remembered me and introduced her to my friend. Told her the ladies at the church had asked us to check in with her and asked if we could come inside to talk. She assured us she was "much better" than yesterday and that a cab was coming any minute. I asked her if we could leave our phone numbers in case she wanted to talk later...she said she had them on a list. She was shaky and restless. Whether she was really getting a cab or just trying to get rid of us is not the point. If she was waiting for a cab we all know where she was going. And that was that. She had been very receptive to the church ladies but not receptive to us. Why is that? Because she knew that we were alcoholics just like her. She knew what we were bringing her, a solution...not a lap.....IF she wanted to stop drinking. Thing is, apparently she doesn't. "If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him." pg 90

But what matters is that we tried to carry the message and it was carried. "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." pg 89 If nothing else, my friend and I stayed sober yesterday. It's funny how God works. My friend had called me the night before to talk. She was struggling. I've written about her here before. And its amazing and the Grace of God that she has 9 months now and has completed the steps. She exclaimed at one point in our converstation "I need another alcoholic to work with!" I didn't make the connection at that time. The situation was already being handled by the church people. I had let go. But yesterday when I thought about trying a 12th step I thought of my friend and called her. "You wanted one, I got one," I said. So we went. And though our prospect closed the door, my friend and I had a sandwich together and talked. We made our connection. We stayed sober. And that's How It Works.

"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy." pg 96

2009-05-28T09:58:00.003-04:00

I got a call last night from the minister at the church where I practice Centering Prayer and where we hold our 11th Step Saturday meetings. One of her parishiners had been on a 3 week binge, just discharged from the local hospital and 2 church ladies had been sitting with her all day while her boyfriend was working. He had apparently sent an SOS to the church. She was looking for someone to relieve them. By the time I got the message and called her back, she already had enlisted 2 other church members (I cant figure out how to spell parishiner) one of whom described himself as an "AA Alum", to get her to a meeting.

My first instinct was to run out and rescue everyone. Which I didn't. And which I couldn't as I had no vehicle anyway. I offered to go (cause I forgot I didn't have my vehicle) and bring other AA members with me but it seemed they had it covered. I explained that there is no such thing as an AA alum but maybe those were just the terms he was using for non AA members. On top of that, his wife is the Secretary at my son's school so once I heard that I didn't want to break my annonymity with her. Although if she's married to a member of AA what the heck am I worried about?

Anyway, I spoke with the minister and another member, made some suggestions and left it that they could call me if they needed me. I sat with that all night as to whether that was enough. Because for me, I always feel like what I do is not good enough. Should do more. Should have been a good AA member and took matters into my own hands, rallied the AA troops and descended upon this woman's home, kicked out the well meaning church people and did a 12th step call, bring her to a meeting, pound some AA into her head. But what I did instead was make suggestions, offer support and say a prayer. I think that was enough. I think.

My problem here is my ego. If I had been there I could have fixed everything because I am me. What do They think of me that I didn't rush there? It's also my fear. What will happen if I do go and she doesn't respond? Or I see someone I know? What if I fail? Blah, blah, blah. Fear, doubt, and insecurity. Which is why I can't settle for that I did enough for one night. Today is a new day. I followed up and what happened was that they brought her to the hospital. I'm still here and she's where she is supposed to be. And that 12th step call can still happen.

2009-05-27T09:50:00.002-04:00

Had a great weekend on Cape Cod even though the weather wasn't too great. My son had a soccer tournament and his team took the championship for the first time. Sat on this beach for the glimmer of sunshine we had on Saturday and it was just like this, empty which was nice considering it was a holiday weekend. Started my day Saturday at a 7 am AA meeting I found. It was quite the place. They had a whole small cottage dedicated to AA with meetings throughout the day. Very comfortable. I was only able to make the one due to the game schedule but I am so grateful I did. I managed to raise my hand and speak briefly and that kept me sober for the weekend. Later as I stood in Dunkin Donuts getting breakfast for the menfolk back at the motel, I heard my name called out. I turned around and didn't recognize anyone and then a man tapped me on the shoulder and said he had seen me that morning. How cool is that?!

Really helped to have that under my belt during the family cookout that evening. It was all about the beer & wine and Sambuca for the parents. I drank my herbal tea and had a soda with my burger. 2 other women saw me drinking tea and joined me which was nice. I wasn't the only nondrinker there. Not sure about alcoholic. I think there may have been a couple. They don't know they have a disease though. The hostess and a parent of one my son's friends kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want some wine. I said I was quite content. She tipped her glass and remarked that she really shouldn't be drinking red wine cause it didn't agree with her. I told her that I had had many disagreements with red wine and that was why I wasn't drinking. She kinda got it then. and stopped asking me if I wanted a drink. Then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening saying how she shouldn't have. I think I ruined her drinking for the evening. Maybe not a bad thing.

I am just so very grateful that AA is wherever I am. I can find a meeting, they are all over the world, I can go on the internet..you are all here, I can open my Big Book and other related literature, and strengthen my program. Above all else, I can pray no matter where I am. At a game, in the car, in a crummy motel, at a cookout, on the beach, at a resteraunt, no matter where life takes me, AA and my Higher Power are there.

Listening For God

2009-05-21T13:07:00.003-04:00

I think what trips up a lot of us when we fist start coming to believe..or at least it was true for me..I pray and then wait for something to happen. Wait for instructions on what to do. I've spent a lot of time these last 2 years running around to sponsers, oldtimers, and others with my situations looking for direction. First do this, and then do that. They usually say to pray on it. And I'll pray and wait. And nothing. I don't "hear" anything. But then again I'm expecting one thing and getting another.

I think its the fear, doubt and insecurity that gets in the way of our ability to listen. I"m not sure its actually something we need to "listen" for but as we continue prayer and meditation and get closer to God we get washed with grace and then we can act in harmony. Does that make sense? I get there sometimes. I haven't "heard" anything but I feel alot. It feels cleansing. Like being washed. I can sense peace and serenity and when I am there..I'm doing the right thing. When I'm not...more praying till I get there. By george.......

My Poor Husband

2009-05-19T09:21:00.002-04:00

I don't know why it is. Our history. I feel safe. I can unleash my fears, doubts and insecurities and then hide in our dysfunction. Which of course leaves me feeling restless, irritable and discontent and the whole cycle starts again. And of course he's got his own stuff and pushes the buttons both intentionally and unintentionally. But the thing is, I can be a very nice person..notice I said I can be....I am kind, tolerant, patient, thoughtful, empathetic, open minded and loving with everyone ELSE but my husband. The Dunkin Donuts clerk gets more respect from me than my husband does. The obnoxious a*hole at a meeting does too. I feel really bad about this and I'm working on the causes and conditions. I hope and will continue to pray that I can get to a place where he can receive the benefits of my recovery. I have to trust and rely on God that this will come. Until then, I MUST make a conscious effort to restrain my natural impulses. I haven't. But I made a huge step this morning. I apologized. I said all of the above to him. I'd made an amends to him before but this was different. Because this had more to do with now than the past. Every morning when I ask God to direct my thinking...I need to be specific with regards to this man I have been married to for 22 years.

I was thinking this morning that my whole life up to 2 years ago was that paragraph in More About Alcoholism. I had no idea I was an alcoholic for a very long time. In my early 20's I had a moment of clarity when I thought maybe my problems were related to alcohol and I went to an AA meeting. Then I thought maybe it was about God and I kneeled in the back of a church and cried. But I didn't find an answer. So I dropped out of college and got a job. I changed bedrooms in my house. ( a very small geographic cure:), I got my own apartment, I went back to school, I changed jobs, I got married, I had children, I moved again. None of these things changed what was fundamentally wrong. And my drinking increased to the point, Thank You God, where it finally became very clear what my problem was. It was slapping me in the face. I am ever so grateful that while I was blind I didn't kill anyone.

I'll Take the Tea , Thank You.

2009-05-14T14:49:00.002-04:00

Hassocks

2009-05-12T09:56:00.005-04:00

You say potaytoe and I say potahtoe. My poor husband. I was looking for my phone this morning and he said its on the hassock. My reaction....YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT WORD! ITS OTTOMAN G* DAMMIT! YOU SAID IT ON PURPOSE, I KNOW YOU DID. He was a tad perplexed. I stopped...I breathed...I said, did you say it on purpose because you knew I didn't like that word, because that's one thing? (and its not unusual for him to say things to "get" to me.) Or did you just say it. He said, I just said it. That's the word I use. Its the first one that comes to mind what am I supposed to call it. I said, that word is just all wrapped up in the ugly little round plastic brown"hassocks" we used to have when I was growing up. And its all wrapped up in how I feel about growing up and my parents. I think of them (hassocks not my parents) as ottomans now. My pretty paisley & leather large ottoman that we practically use for a table in the living room and my little tufted fringed green and black ottoman in the foyer. They are ottomans not hassocks. Of course when I looked up hassocks on google for a picture, all I could find were ottomans. This was a close as I could come to what I remember a hassock being and it definatly didn't have any nice wooden feet on it. I'd call this an ottoman. But picture it small, round with no feet and an ugly tan color. Anyway...on edge lately? :)

What I am grateful for is that I could stop. In the past this would have turned into a day long resentment for me. I understand now that my feelings were aroused my how I feel about my parents, my relationship with my husband and had nothing to do with the word hassock. I was able to tell my husband that instead of ranting at him. Find out what his motivations were instead of assuming it was to hurt me. Talk about it and then request very nicely that he NOT say that word again. He will. And that's okay too. I'm over it.

Dad

2009-05-11T05:01:00.005-04:00

I am grateful for the memories my Dad shared of growing up.

I am grateful that he shared his love of his hometown with me so that it felt like my hometown even though I never lived there.

I am grateful that he married my Mom.

I am grateful that he was a brilliant man and was given a full scholarship at MIT and managed to excel despite having a wife and baby at home.

I am grateful for his sense of humor.

I am grateful that we got to stay up past bedtime if we asked him a question..like.. Daddy, what's a molecule.

I am grateful for when he put his arm around me like he was proud.

I loved when he held my hand when I was a little girl.

I am grateful that he shared his last words with me and that I could comfort him...that I could assure him that I was happy, that Mom would be taken care of, that it WAS better late than never to pray to God.

I am grateful that he loved his parents despite their faults and passed that on to me.

I am grateful that he invested well so that there was money to take care of my mother.

I am grateful that he taught me how to critically think despite my best efforts not to.

I am grateful that he shared his coming to believe with me which gave me the freedom to believe.

I am grateful for the love that he showed my children and for the memories he gave them.

I am grateful for the thought that my last drink may have been his amend to me in order for him to transcend.

And 2 more for my Mom:

I am grateful that her low bottom became my higher bottom.

I am grateful that her short term memory loss allows me the freedom to not spend time with her, ie 2 minutes on Mother's Day is enough and any more than that is too much for me and allowing myself that does not hurt her.

Things HIdden

2009-05-10T06:29:00.002-04:00

If you ever have an opportunity to hear Richard Rohr speak..do it. He really helps me to make sense of the difference between religon and spirituality. I attended a talk on this book yesterday with a friend and it was a good day. I'm looking forward to reading it.

In the interest of hidden things, as I continue on the process of listing my resentments I find myself in this limbo. As outlined in the Big Book, we list our resentments and how they affected us, self esteem, personal relationships, ambition, security, [fear], sex relations. Once we have done that we go back and look at our part. Well, I haven't got to the fourth column yet so I seem to be left with an unsettled feeling. It's not necessarily bad, but let's just say I'm not feeling as joy filled. So I thought, why not make a separate list...of the things about the people on my list that I am grateful for. I haven't discussed this with my sponser yet. I hope she doesn't give it a red light. It really has nothing to do with the inventory and it won't be in my notebook. But in this moment, because my Mother is the first on my list and because its Mother's Day....

I am grateful that my Mother gave birth to me.

I am grateful for the little pool parties when we were in the projects.

I am grateful for the Love/Peace dress she made me in the 6th grade.

I am grateful that she cooked our meals and washed our clothes.

I am grateful that she went back to school and set the example of change.

I am grateful that she saved all my board money and used it to help supply my apartment.

I am grateful that she got me my first credit card and watched over it because she worked in the credit department of the bank.

I am grateful for the beach house she rented for a few years.

I am grateful for all the Christmas's she made special.

I am grateful she helped me paint the pantry when we moved and I was pregnant.

I am grateful for the comfort she tried to offer when my heart was broken.

I am grateful for the care she took of my father when he was dying.

I don't know if this will help..but it feels necessary.

TGIF Musings

2009-05-08T09:05:00.003-04:00

I went to a different meeting yesterday at noon. Different town, following a funeral. Really helped me to appreciate the meetings I go to as this particular meeting just didn't cut it for me. Too much talk about how it was....in fact I left with the idea..maybe controlled drinking is an option. Haven't tried it yet since coming to AA. Tried it plenty of times before but not with the AA knowledge. Just a reminder that I need to remain vigilant so that when these normal (for an alcoholic) notions attempt to take up residence in my head....I have a solution. Also a reminder that meeting makers might not make it if they don't. It's not about the meeting its about the solution.

The person I wrote about recently who got me all flamboozled approached me during the meeting this morning to purchase a necklace for her daughter who was celebrating 5 years. I took care of the transaction, got a few messages about how to pay for stuff or put stuff on hold and just felt that the whole incident has been taken care of...God has his ways.

Turned over my Monday chairperson position for the group. I've been doing it for almost a year..so its time...I'd been toying with the idea of asking this person and was afraid of burdening her. Monday's job is tougher because we have to make the coffee and get there super early. I've moaned about it here. She was thrilled to be asked and doing it early is no problem for her. It felt great to pass it on. The spirit of rotation is very important. I'll give her the can of coffee in the trunk suggestion for those Mondays when we are forgotten. And I'll still have my monthly job of keeping the phone and anniversary list updated. It's ALL good.

There's another person in that group who shared his analysis of why he feels so resentful and angry at the meeting. It was great. Well, it made me feel great because in all my self centeredness I've taken the glares and lack of aknowledgment personally. I knew intellectually that it had nothing to do with me, but truth be told my feelings were hurt. His analysis is that AA threatens his alcoholism. So he can be the friendly and engaged person outside of a meeting but when he gets to the meeting....I hate saying, his disease makes him do it, but that in essence is what it is. The message tells him he can't drink and he doesn't like it. Anyway, it was reassuring to know that he was relatively happy outside of the meeting cause people's feelings hang on me.

Anyway its a new day. The sun is out after about 4 days of gloom. Amazing how the sun and the moon (full last night I hear) can affect my moods and feelings. I felt so weighed down by the world yesterday and this morning I feel as light as a feather.

Assistant Principals

2009-05-07T06:29:00.004-04:00

So apparantly my son was running late for school yesterday morning. It wasn't just an ordinary school day, he had to take his AP Calculus exam. So he parked on school grounds, on the side of the driveway in the gravel. This is not his custom but he sees others frequently parking there without consequences so he took his chances in order to get to the exam room on time. I'm sure it was a fire lane...or maybe its just because. But the assistant principal had him and 3 others (also taking exams), towed. $111 bucks, cash only (really $111.62 but the tow guy spotted me the $.62 cause he didn't have change for a five)..and I had to leave work because the towing company will only release the car to a registered owner.

My old reaction would have been one of extreme anger.....at my son. I probably would not have left work...made him wait for me to get out. I probably would have made him pay the fine..which these days is about 2 weeks pay for him. I would have wanted him to learn the lesson...don't park illegally (or in this case when its private property, where you have been told not to.) But that is not how I felt.

And I wasn't really angry at the principal either, though it could have developed into that. Instead, I just handled the situation, helped out my son and sent the principal an email saying it was a crappy thing to do, though stipulated that the car was parked where it should have been. He knows the kids are taking AP exams....so how about looking the other way for an hour or 2. I know, I know, fire lane stuff. What ifs......but this time, there was no fire...and they left immediately after the exam so the car would have been removed....its just so cold and non supportive. Maybe I have senioritis too.

And instead of letting the feelings fester in me, I faced the guy (well, via email) and told him what I thought. Not of him but the behavior. I acknowledged the wrongdoing but suggested there might have been another noncrappy way to handle it. It's over, its done....and I've let it go, except to write it here.....this is new for me.

Above it all, it was not something to drink about or dwell on. Life is good.

Pictures

2009-05-05T05:50:00.002-04:00

My son is graduating on June 7th. One of the parents of his friends is having a dinner for a group of them and the parents and is putting on a sort of roast. So I have been tasked with going through pictures so that she can put together a montage of my son. I went through a few boxes and it was a melancholy experience.

I can see how happy my children were growing up. I can be assured that they were loved by me, their father, their grandparents, their great grandparents and their uncles. I could laugh at their cuteness and expressions. I could marvel at how thin I was yet how unhappy I was with my appearance. I've always been unhappy with my appearance. Whether I'm a size 6 or a size 16. I look in the pictures and I don't look like an alcoholic. I can see the progression of my mother's disease. I can see the progression of my father's cancer. Rapid progression. I lament his loss and I see how much he loved my children and how much they loved him. I miss him. I see my mother looking young and giving my children a bath. She can't do that anymore. Well, at 18 & 20 they wouldn't let her, ha ha, but she can't dote anymore. My husband and I look happy, we look together. Why do we fight so much?

I want to go back and cherish those moments in their moment but I can only do so now. I want to go back and not be drunk or hungover but I can only stay sober now.

"A Non-Toothache is Very Pleasant"

2009-05-03T10:48:00.005-04:00

I am reading this book and it is changing my life....I will be seeing Thich Nhat Hanh in October (thanks Molly) and have listened to him on CD (thanks again Molly) and everytime I think or hear the word "happy", I hear his voice, "you will be very happy".

My lack of mindfulness the other day caused me to almost run a pedestrian over. He wasn't really a pedestrian, he was doing landscaping on the rotary in my town..standing on the brick (where we are not supposed to drive) blowing leaves, etc. He couldn't hear my car because of that and the fact that I drive a Prius, that when in battery mode is silent. I was maneuvering the circle, attempting to make a call, something on the radio, etc. Never even saw him until I was about 2 inches from him. I slammed my brakes, he looked up...and I was horrified. Apologized profusely, he was very gracious and I continued on my way....shook up. Needless to say this was the same day that I experienced the shoplifting incident. Or was it???

In the BB story Acceptance is the Answer,,,,as I discussed in an earlier post....it says "if you focus on the problem the problem increases..if you focus on the answer, the answer increases." I believe by writing, by asking for help, by praying, I focused on the answer and I believe the answer came. When I sat alone with it, for that first day...I was focusing on the problem and almost killed someone (well , that may be a bit of exaggeration but you get my point.)

I consulted 2 elders of the group, just as the business meeting was commencing Saturday. And one of them said..."How do you know?" "You cannot judge." "How do you know she did not pay for it later?" "How do you know she did not put it back?" I cannot know this unless I ask her and that would have to be done very delicately, since I did not do it in that moment. It is not uncommon for people to leave notes for the bookstore manager about purchases they intend to make or return to pay for something. I have done it as has this elder I consulted. She asked..if it had been me..what would you have thought? I would not have assumed shoplifting. So yes, I was judging. She also suggested that I not blur the line between my membership of the AA group and my role as volunteer of the bookshop. In other words, sure if someone approaches me and asks if they can pay for something because they know I can ring it up, do it...but to actually announce, the book store is open for business after the meeting...is blurring the line.

I am very grateful for this. I have been asking, yes do the the next right thing but HOW do I know what is right? And the answer was..you will know. It will feel right. This feels right.

The Bottom Line

2009-05-01T05:38:00.002-04:00

And then...God is either everything or he is nothing. Either I believe it or I don't. I believe it. But I have to say put to practical daily purposes, I'm still trying to figure things out. Went to a step meeting last night and we did Tradition 1...how's that for timing. I was having this discussion with a woman at the meeting and discussing acceptance and how I'm still in kindergarden...I'm asking why....(oh yes, I know, the answers will come if my house is in order)....and I go to use her bathroom. She has a book in there...and there is a prayer...it says...Father, please help me to stop trying to understand (or something like that). I always say, I came to believe...Step 2...when I stoped trying to understand What God was and just accepted that He was. Now I'm at the everything or nothing phase. I'm still trying to plan...if I do this, that will happen, if I do that, this could happen, or maybe something else will happen. I should do this because of that, and if I do that, I'm not in line with what that said. and on and on it goes and where she'll stop nobody knows. Sometimes when I'm not sure about something, or faced with a problem...I think to myself..."oh, this is where I'm supposed to pray". Does that count as praying? I don't think it does but its closer. I'm pretty good at sitting in silence and solitude....but am I listening. Maybe not quite so much.

I had a light bulb moment last night. I went back and reread the whole story in the back of book...Acceptance is the Answer or in the older book, like I have..Doctor, Addict, Doctor. I hadn't read the whole thing in a long time. Let's put it this way, I started at the stories and haven't read them since. There's a line in there....If you focus on what's good today, then the good will increase, if you focus on the bad the bad will increase. If you focus on the problem, the problem increases, if you focus on the answer the answer increases. Geez, do you think THAT'S where they got the name for our morning meeting, "What's Good About Today?". And then what is the answer, the answer is acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. And what am I accepting, that either God is everything or he is nothing. And if I am accepting that he is everything then that is Always where my answer lies. And if I continue to focus on that my belief will increase because that is my answer. And around and around and around she goes, but I think this time we know where she's stopping.....In God's Hands. xo

Later that day....

2009-04-30T10:46:00.003-04:00

So I went to the meeting this morning and on the way thinking about how if she was there what I was going to do..and if she wasn't there who I would talk to, if anyone. I had called my sponser last night but she wasn't available. Guess who was sitting in the meeting when I arrived??? At a meeting she NEVER goes to....you guessed it my sponser! And then the person who started the meeting today read from page 417...acceptance is the answer. And I talked to my sponser...and I also talked to another member of the group later....point being I was asking for help.

Do you think her phone was disconnected for a reason? I do. As my sponser put it, by confronting her alone (really bad idea) and giving her the opportunity to put it back and then not saying anything I am now taking on the problem and not the solution. My sponser's suggestion is to put it to the group (without mentioning names). In fact, there may very well be others who have done the same thing. I am sure of it, it just makes logical sense. I just happened to see this one. The other person I spoke with, who is a member of the group...(my sponser isn't) took it a step further and suggested that it be brought to the business meeting this Saturday. That a newcomer to the meeting doesn't need to hear this stuff. Is it a coincindence that it is a business meeting this Saturday? I think that is the answer...my first reaction to acceptance is that it can give me the justification to do nothing. I also heard this morning that I have to accept that there is a problem and once I have I can work for a solution. As a member of the group I am responsible to bring this out...this person is a keyholder as well...how's that for really complicating matters? I think my original thought was to let her know her "secret" was out in the open and give her the opportunity to do the right thing. But the risk in that is that some people are incapable of being honest with themselves....doesn't mean forever....and that can threaten the group....and the Tradition One states that "our common welfare should come first...personal recovery depends on AA unity." If I keep this to myself or to herself...that is our personal recovery...this is a group issue revolving around the space where our group meets. We could lose this space. This is not a matter for Me to decide how to handle or Her to decide. The next right thing...is to give it to the group. And ultimately to God. And to know that this has been placed before me for a purpose. What that is, I have no idea.....but I KNOW. And that is enough.

I really appreciate your comments on this one. I need the push...and the validation....Jess's point is right on...I am struggling with the issue of what people will think of ME when I bring this up....and it has nothing to do with me. As long as I can approach it with kindness, love, tolerance, and honesty...I am doing the right thing.

If I was drinking I could just drink this away...and do nothing. That is what I'd really like to do...is nothing...truth be told. I wish I hadn't seen it. What I don't know doesn't hurt me. That is very very wrong. What I don't know hurts me more than I will ever know. Doing nothing is not an option for me anymore. I must Let Go and Let God and that is doing something.

2009-04-30T05:34:00.002-04:00

Our morning meeting meets in a really nice space. We have cushy chairs, usually artwork to look at, windows to look out of and the church also has a bookstore/giftshop that we can browse. The two rooms are connected by an open doorway. Amazing that they let a bunch of drunks even meet here. I attend this church and have volunteered in their bookshop as servicework and when present I can let people buy stuff after the meeting should they want something. It usually doesn't happen but when it does, its good for the church and good for the meeting.

So yesterday someone wanted to buy something so I was in the bookshop after the meeting, and I was talkiing to someone else...and I saw someone from the group put a bracelet in her pocket. And I froze. Not anything expensive..its $3.98...but geez....I did ask her if she wanted to buy something but I did not go so far as to say, how about that thing in your pocket. This person has been sober for over 2 years....a rough girl....but she espouses her recovery yet she has been known to nod off in meetings. Let's just say its been an issue. Last week someone simply asked her if she was okay...and she railed at them for accusing her of drinking. It wasn't fear that stopped me from confronting her, I don't think. Well, yes it probably was. But not of her specifically, just rocking the boat. Being "the one" to do it. I don't want to be "the one". So my first gut reaction was to do nothing.

I sat with it all day and it didn't sit well. Our group has this beautiful space and someone is threatening it and not honoring it. How amazing that the church has trusted a group of people so often not trusted. To just let it go, is to do the same thing. And as a chairperson of the group on Mondays and a volunteer of the bookshop, I place myself at an even higher standard. But then again, I don't want to create conflict. I know that she is acting out her disease. But to ignore it is not helping her either. I'm going to have to say something..but I will start with her. I will give her the opportunity to return it before bringing it to anyone's attention. I don't know if that's enough. But its a beginning. I just don't want to jeopordize our space or the integrity of the group. Of course the number I have for her has been disconnected but I know she put a new number in the phone list. If she's at the meeting, I will pull her aside. If not I will call her. Okay, there I said it. It is done.

My therapist said people react to situations with a fight, flight or freeze response. My reaction is usually fight...I find it interesting that I froze in this one. I wonder what that means.

Verge of Tears

2009-04-28T06:12:00.002-04:00

Its more hormonal than anything else I think but I've had good practice at living in the moment this week. If I stay in the moment, and not think of what has been or what might be....then I'm fine....but get me alone...thinking about relationships, talking about them, listening to others talk about theirs, I'm a mess. And its not easy to avoid, particularly when one is working on one's fourth step.

I had a great weekend with my kids...full of shared moments. I probably talked more to my son this weekend than I have in 3 months...and my daughter was home for awhile so I had them both together. Really nice....my husband was away so we didn't have that dynamic in there so it was very peaceful for me anyway.

Anyway, apparantly I missed a great speaker at the Big Book Step Study meeting Saturday morning which got my step study sponser all riled up. As I posted earlier, I was stalled on my fourth, though I restarted this week. She called and wanted to meet. Usually she just meets me about 10 minutes before a meeting on the fly. I honestly am not comfortable with her yet though I trust her with the process. Anyway, after hearing this speaker she has rededicated herself to sponsering me. So she says, I think you should go to at least one BBSS meeting a week and work on your writing every day. I think that too but it was interesting having her say it. I think it will help motivate me. I think it was also interesting that we were both in the same place without having talked about it. Maybe its that Higher Power thingy:)

Boundries

2009-04-23T09:19:00.004-04:00

www.moserart.com/images/boundariesI.jpg

I had a great conversation with a friend last night. We are very different. She has clear boundries and her difficulties come in defending them. I have difficulties erecting them and then feel overstretched. violated or rejected. But I'm getting better....for instance...

When my brother and I were talking before his visit at Easter..he asked that I get his kids the candy for their Easter baskets. I said no, that's where I have to put up a boundry and I literally said boundry. He got it.

A newly sober guy from the meeting shared how he wanted to visit his son but was afraid if he took the train he wouldn't get there. I was ready to skip work for the day and offer to take him. I didn't.

Another guy has been given notice that he must leave the sober house he's in cause the landlord is going in a different direction. He has to move in with his active mother. I really would love to offer him my daughter's room while she's at school. I didn't.

Basically, concerning the last 2, I am getting much better at understanding that my presence at a meeting is enough....that it is not my responsibility to reach out to EVERY single struggling person I see and hear....I do what I can and leave the rest to prayer and that is good enough.

The good enough part probably comes from the punishment/beatings I received as a child...so I continue to feel that I don't deserve the good things yet continue to strive to be good, to avoid punishment now in the form of approval/disapproval.

My boundries do not have to be as clear and firm as my friend's but the understanding that I need them..and can gently erect them....is a huge step for me.

Not a Bad Day

2009-04-22T10:22:00.003-04:00

I went to my morning meeting this morning to help celebrate a 6 month anniversary...and I'm glad she got me there. It was a great meeting. Really grateful to have started my day there.

Last night I was honored to be asked to give my friend her 4 year medallion. That's the one we got at Bill W.'s gravesite, if I didn't write about it let me know. I never imagined almost 2 years ago, when I thought my world was over, when I thought I was the biggest loser on earth, the weakest link, the grossest most disgusting woman, wife, mother...that I would find such a dear friend. She got me right from the very start and gave it right back. And although we are very different and from very different backgrounds she is probably one of my closest friends right now and I think I was finally able to tell her that last night when I presented her with the medallion.

I am trying very hard to come at my mother with loving kindness and tolerance but it is very difficult. I left her place yesterday with such anxiety...it made me want a cigarette, which I haven't had since March 3rd, that made me think of a drink because I knew that that's what the cigarette was substituting for. So I just concentrated on my breath for the ride home and prayed to get through it. Had something to eat cause I had skipped lunch, did a centering prayer sit and then went to the coffee shop to continue to write my fourth step. It helped...but I was really grateful when another alcoholic showed up....drunk....not that I was grateful she was drunk...but I was grateful to be given the opportunity to get her to the meeting. I had stayed sober and now I had an opportunity to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety. That's what its all about.

My mother...well, suffice it to say that I am going to have to upset her...which I've been trying not to do..but her compulsive buying and hoarding is now resulting in collection notices and frankly she's running out of space in her apartment. But here's an idea! She lives in an assisted living facility and we pay a lot of money for that. How about I ask someone there for help? Someone with experience in these matters. Now where did I learn that??

My Baby's no Baby

2009-04-21T06:24:00.005-04:00

My 18 year old is 6'3" tall and I am about to send him off with three of his buddies for a road trip to Montreal. We know why they are going to Montreal don't we? But its Spring Break..everyone is doing SOMETHING and they have come up with this brainstorm. I am trying not to be full of fear and my first reaction to this was ABSOLUTELY NOT! After all, I went to Ft. Lauderdale my senior year and I know what that was about. I always said I was not going to be as stupid as my parents.

But ultimately, he's a man now. He's about to go off to college. He's 18. He can serve our country if he chooses. So I suppose I can let go and trust his judgement. I can warn him that he has a lot to lose, to be smart, to be safe and trust God. That's for me....he's not quite there yet. He has promised to check in frequently...understands that my concerns have nothing to do with trust and everything to do with fear. He can tolerate that. I told him last night that I missed the boy who used to nap in the crook of my knee. That would be an interesting picture now.

I guess I'm beginning the feelings of empty nest syndrome...I just need to look up because if there is an empty nest there are birds soaring......and that's a beautiful thing.

Heard at a Meeting

2009-04-20T08:48:00.002-04:00

"Alcohol is not my problem just like 500 foot cliffs are not my problem. They become my problem when I jump off of them and alcohol becomes my problem when I take the first drink."

I love that!

London Calling

2009-04-19T06:10:00.003-04:00

So its done...wrote the deposit check last night...my husband and I are going to Ireland and London in October. October 21-26 to be exact. Ironically it is billed as an Ireland Pub Tour. My friend's partner, she's AA, he's not, goes on this every other year and this year his roommate dropped out and C decided she wanted to go...but was anxious about the pub factor. I suggested to her that while everyone was in pubs, she could be shopping, visiting churches, checking out AA meetings, etc. then in the converstation said I'd love to do something like that...and my husband could do the pubs with her partner....now its a date. I have no idea how we'll pay for it, but I figure if I'm throwing 10's of thousands at colleges (my son begins in Sept, my daugher will be a junior) then I can throw a couple my way. At this point its all monopoly money now. Actually the trip is very reasonable..no more than I've spent on a summer rental...which we will do without this year.

We start in Cork City, Ireland. Do some siteseeing there and our trip happens to be at the same time as the Cork City Jazz Festival so we'll get to enjoy that for anight. Irish and Jazz, who'd a thunk it? Then we go London...hear that you Brits out there?!....the trip culminates is seeing our beloved New England Patriots play American football in Wembley stadium but we'll have a few days to tour as well. The trip is only 2 days Ireland and 3 London and I'm not going to plan at all because its a motor coach trip so things will be planned out..there will be 30 of us...and it will be a nice introduction and there is free time so I hope maybe to get some AA in and I do believe I have some guides for that!!

My husband is full of fear. He does not like to fly and he does not like being out of control. This trip requires flying and it is already planned. We're just another bozo on the bus. We had a huge fight yesterday morning, not about the trip though I think the fear surrounding it probably caused it. We were supposed to be taking a pleasant walk...and instead he's was very concerned with whether I was keeping in step with him....I was going to fast, I was going to slow, I wasn't talking enough, it was extremely hard to deal with. He likes to "reprimand" me on the street too....real nice. I won't be walking with him again anytime soon. I did end of saying to him that if he didn't get help, in perhaps the form of Al Anon we were not going to make it. Of course this was through tears....but maybe he'll get the message. We let it go to get togehter with these friends last night to discuss the trip and his fear was a topic of discussion. My friend promised to comfort him so that made him feel better. I suggested therapy....and maybe the fear of flying with be the just the push to get my husband through the door to ask for help. He seemed more receptive..without it..I'm not sure where we are going. I stopped seeing my therapist because as she put it, our sessions always end if only B would do couples therapy....so..there seemed no point in my continuing alone.

Anyway..that's where we're going....

Where I've Been

2009-04-18T07:45:00.006-04:00

I went on a retreat here at the Garrison Institute at the end of March. It was a silent retreat...I only went for the weekend which was the tail end of a 10 silent retreat for others. It was a beautiful location, restored monastary on the Hudson River. The food was outrageously good, the accomdations pleasant, even a hot tub in the communal bathroom. Thomas Keating was the speaker for the weekend..so it was wonderful to get deeper insight into the practice of Centering Prayer from the spiritual leader of the practive. This was not an AA retreat at all but I'll tell you, Thomas Keating quoted Bill W. so how's that for inspriration! Since Garrison, NY is about 4 1/2 hours from my home I ordered the CD The Comtemplative Dimension of the 12 Steps for the ride and had my own little mini retreat on the way to/from which helped to segue me into the monastary and then home. It was really a wonderful experience and one I hope to replicate. Last year I went on a silent retreat with a few friends. I must say that going alone was a completely different experience. Complete solitude, no shared glances or knowing smiles. The schedule was something like this:

wake up
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
breakfast
session with Father Keating
30 minute sit...stretch...30 minute sit
lunch
1 1/2 hour of solitude..to walk around, read, nap, whatever
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
session nwith Father Keating
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
dinner
session with Father Keating
bed

I might have an extra sit in there...I can't remember now but it was intense. I am so grateful to have had the experience. The first night (Friday) I was so exhausted....got there at 3ish and had about 2 hours before a scheduled sit before dinner. Walked the grounds and found a great spot on the Hudson to read and enjoy the sun. Spring had come earlier there..so it was warm...I slept with my window open the whole time...and you could smell flowers. Then the sit, then dinner, then a session with the retreat leader (Thomas Keating had not arrived yet). To go into the mediation hall where they held the sits and sessions you had to take off your shoes. I was wearing my easy to slip on and off puma sneakers. As I left to go to bed I grabbed them from the shelf and went up to my room without putting them back on. Decided to soak the drive off in the hottub for awhile and took a shower to avoid the morning rush....when I opened the door to my room I saw a pair of black converses by the door and thought I had the wrong room. Looked around saw my stuff and realized I had grabbed the wrong shoes. So I tiptoed downstairs, it was about 11 pm now, and found mine and returned the converses. The next day..just before the morning session...announcements....someone took the wrong pair of shoes...the converse owners raised his hand and said they had been returned. I couldn't speak to him but later I approached him...pointed to his shoes and gave him a namaste bow. How embarassing but then again, it made me smile and I like to smile.

The other kind of funny thing though annoying at the time was the guy who was sitting next to me. You can see me against the wall on the left in the first choir chair. I look kind of slumped and I had a green blanket over me. Well, the guy on the floor decided to lay down to do his meditation. They suggest that you keep your back straight...and NOT lay down..because why? Take a wild guess..you induce sleep and that he did. AND he snored, continously until he'd wake himself up. The first sit...I let it go...second sit....its a good discipline of returning to my sacred word.....third sit...I moved my seat. I thought to speak to him at the end of the retreat, gently suggest he sit upright for meditation. Maybe he didn't know he was sleeping. How would you know? But I didn't. A good lesson for me.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience but I must say I have not kept up my practice....and that is what I am working on now. And I am also working on not beating myself up about not keeping up my practice. I am here...and I am in consious contact every day....that is good enough. xo

Still Sober

2009-04-17T07:03:00.002-04:00

Thanks, I needed that! Not sure why I needed a break but I did. Actually, in really looking at me, myself and I these last weeks, I think I realized that it was more of my meeting schedule that needed shaking up and not my writing schedule. Truth be told, I did not work a stitch on my fourth step. And leaving the blogging behind did not help me in that area. I thought maybe I had just lost my momentum, that because my ass wasn't on fire I was allowing my "busy" schedule to take over. This past weekend dealing with my Mom over Easter, reading the fourth step at my step meeting and talking to my sponser helped me to realize that really it was that I didn't want to deal with the feelings surrounding my mother. Yes I did my fourth step over a year ago and yes my mother was on it, but it was thorough and honest to the best of my ability at 4 months sober...I think I'm a little more insightful about my feelings now. So really it comes down to that four letter word FEAR. So yes, I need to write about this stuff, work it out. That is what's best for me.

What isn't best for me is sitting in a daily meeting at 7 am, just because that is what I have done for the last almost 2 years. I have been tired..meaning not getting enough sleep, in my case it provides too many opportunities to do 12th step work and it messes with my morning meditation time. One of my defects is the compulsion to help everybody...feel your pain......and I carry it with me. So at the morning meeting there is plenty of opportunity. The room is full of different levels of sobriety...newcomers, eager or kickin' and screaming, oldtimers, real and crusty, two steppers ( 1 & 12), three steppers (1, 2 & 3), chronic relapsers, and then, thank you God, the good old fashioned solution sharers, carrying the message. I try to be the last. But it is not always appreciated, that's okay I can take it but I need to be more discerning about who I bring it to and who I listen to. Anyway, daily? It was necessary for me in the beginning..I needed the consistancy...the family. But I don't think so anymore. And we'll give this schedule shake up a try and see if it doesn't help. I chair on Mondays so of course I'll go then...and then fill in when I can't make one of my evening meetings. That sounds like a plan.

And then of course, as my sponser has suggested, I will continue to pray on these bumps along the road. The bumps that cause me to feel unsettled, discontent, not really irritable, just edgy. These things are opportunities for growth, spiritual growth. I need to listen, make the necessary adjustments and continue along the path that leads to the road of Happy Destiny.

I know this blog, and your blogs, after a 3 week hiatus, were NOT something I could leave behind, not that I was planning to. For me, meditation, writing and service are necessary to staying sober.

Taking Stock

2009-03-21T04:48:00.002-04:00

I just can't seem to get to the blog these days. Maybe its the fourth step writing. Anyway, I thought I'd leave you with a pretty picture at least and let you know I'm fine...just focusing my efforts in a different direction for the time being.

Road Trip

2009-03-17T05:52:00.003-04:00

Has it really been a week since I posted? I've had to make some adjustments in my schedule just to maintain my sanity...skipping a few morning meetings, less blogtime, etc. I'm sane but I miss my blogging so I'm here. I won't try to sum up a week in one post but there was a lot going on. The mood switched that very evening Thank God. All it took was doing something for someone else. Imagine that! I checked out a cottage for a friend who lives in Hawaii. She's comiing back in April and is looking for a place to stay. Snowbirds we call them. Then I did a committment at a sober house. Between doing service and a favor the bad feelings disappeared. Funny how that works. Just as the full moon and stepping foot onto a property full of women caused my period to appear that I haven't seen since December 1st. Think that had anything to do with things?

I went to Wilson House (the birthplace of Bill W.) this weekend for a seminar on Sermon on the Mount. What a cool place nestled into the hills of Vermont. It's a Inn and they have a meeting room in the back and served meals family style. And you did feel as though you were a member of the family. Very comfortable, with cool memorabilia around. Went to the gravesite as well which is up the road apiece. I got very overwhelmed with emotion there. Just the bigness of it all. People leave things at Bill W.'s grave, particularly medallions and the tradition is that you can take on if you leave one. My friend has her 4th coming up next month so she left her 3rd and took the fourth. I"m holding it for her. Another person there took her third so that she could tell the person she was giving it to that she had met the person. We are all connected.

We stayed in a cottage at the motel across the street. 7 women in a cabin meant for no more that 4. Need I say more?

Just not in the Mood

2009-03-10T06:02:00.003-04:00

I think I must be burning the candle at both ends because little things are beginning to bother me, things that I can normally roll with or that I don't usually even care about suddenly are affecting my mood.

Physically, my whole body is achy..my boobs are killing me...and I have a headache.

Noone bothered to buy coffee at the morning meeting for yesterday. Leaving it to me. Like they always seem to do. I really do not wish to be the go to person so I'm just not going this morning..(yes, I bought the coffee).

I'm just tired of people who cannot be bothered to say Good Morning back to someone. Go sit it the effing corner with your chair turned to the wall. I don't give a sh*t if you're not a people person or even if you don't like me personally..common courtesy would be nice though. And put the effing blackberry away during the meeting or again, go sit in the corner. And by the way, there is something to be said for the spirit of rotation...if you've been doing a job for more than a year...isn't it time to share the position? And if not, then do the effing job and if there is no coffee after your shift..go get some!

We have 2 alarm clocks in our bedroom. My husband only bothered to change one...the one he uses. I didn't even look at the clock assuming he had changed both when he called downstairs for the time. Thus I woke up late yesterday..throwing my whole day off. I know my alarm clock is my responsibility but really, if you were changing a clock in a room and there were 2, would you deliberately change only one? Just pretty much epitomizes our relationship.

As I sit here typing out my gripes, I find it ironic that one of them is when you are in a group of particularly alcoholics some people like to play top this...my problems are oh so much worse than yours. How about we all just keep our problems to ourselves??

Angry, lonely gay women should not make judgements on a heterosexual's long term marriage or husband. And for that matter, keep the sexual comments, catcalling of other women to yourself when you are with a group of heterosexual women. It's offensive. I wouldn't tolerate it from a man..why am I tolerating it from you.

I am not going to be the organizer of a group of women again...I don't mind doing things in or as a group but the organizer...not gonna happen. It's like herding cats.

My boss doesn't come in until around 10:00 or 10:30, leaves again at noon or earlier...is gone until 1:45 (fifteen minutes before I leave) and then talks about how busy he is...and wants to do an entire day's work in the 15 minutes before I leave. If you want to get work done while your employee is in the office then be in the office when your employee is there. That said, it is soooo much better when he is not.

It's friggin' cold and snowing. I'm sick of cold and snow. And I don't like daylight savings time. I like a bright morning and I don't mind if it gets dark at 6pm....

Or maybe its just that I haven't smoked in a week.

Whatever, I'm not going to drink over it.

Where has the Time Gone?

2009-03-07T06:17:00.002-05:00

Wow...it's been awhile. I am doing a lot of writing lateley but not here. My therapist is a big believer in letters. So I've been writing those. To my husband, to cigarettes, to Terry,...and I'm sure there will be more. And then of course there is my fourth step..I've begun to write the resentments but this Big Book Step Study is pretty particular. I mean like, you've got to use a 5 subject notebook and black pen particular. And then, each page of my writing has to look like the example in the Big Book. So how I'm going to do that I don't know..I have more than a page worth for some people and it sounds like they want me to break it up so that I have 3 people per page. I've got to clarify that one. This stuff probably makes people balk. I don't really care. It's getting me to write a bit more. So that's good.

My computer is down..and of course nothing is backed up. I am using my husband's work laptop right now. Not sure I should be on blogger but it didn't block me. But I haven't wanted to abuse the privilege.

This is my last weekend home for the month. Next weekend a group of us go to the Wilson House in Vermont for a workshop on Sermon on the Mount. The following weekend my son is in a soccer tournament in western MA so we will go there. And the last weekend I take a retreat with Thomas Keating on Centering Prayer. So today I will try to get a month's worth of work done or at least set up.

My daughter is leaving today for an alternative Spring Break in Horse Cave, Kentucky. She just realized there are spiders in caves and is now completely freaked out.

My son has gotten into 6 of the 7 schools he applied to..and we're still waiting to hear from the seventh. Now its decision time which means visiting the schools and praying for money.

I shared the movie ONE with one of my book groups. It was not a good venue. Too much talking and not enough listening. They all think they are already very enlightened. One woman started asking what time it was and how long the movie was about 10 minutes in. It's okay. Doing it again with my other book group..I'll be better prepared this time.

Watched part of the movie Religulous last night before my cable box zapped. Personally, I think Bill Maher's questions are legitimate and in the movie he is often the only one making sense. The problem with Bill Maher and the movie is that he's not asking the questions to the right people. But then again for his movie and his premise he is. He asks them to people who will give him provocative answers and answers that confirm the igulous point he is trying to make. Let's see him go to Thomas Keating, Thich Nhat Hahn, Richard Rohr, etc. with these questions. The interviews he had with I think it was Father Coyle and another Vatican priest were right on. Watching that back to back with ONE was intersting.

Looking forward to a warm spring like weekend wathcing the snow melt. Spring forward tonight..yay! I like the hibernation aspect of winter..but it seems like around this time every year..it can't come soon enough.

I'll be around....

Seventh Step Prayer

2009-03-02T08:51:00.000-05:00

Just Read This

2009-02-28T06:54:00.002-05:00

From book Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr:

Prayer is being loved at a deep, sweet level. I hope you have felt such intimacy alone with God. I promise you it is available to you. Maybe a lot of us just need to be told that it is what we should expect and seek. We're afraid to ask for it; we're afraid to seek. It feels presumptuous. We can't trust that such a love exists. But it does.

Gratitude

2009-02-27T04:56:00.002-05:00

Rough week...time for gratitude....

I am grateful for...

a roof over my head

that the financial aid forms are done....thankfully....I think

for my daughter who still calls to check in

for my son who thinks I used to sew and "do all that stuff"...I have absolutely no memory

for my husband who does the dishes (sorry that's all I got this morning)

for our president..who sets big, hairy audacious goals....and gives me hope for the future

for my boss who allows flexibility

for all the creative people, artists, musicians, writers that have come into my life in sobriety and are teaching me so much....about expression and soul searching

for Scott who is going to send me something someday even though I was fifth, which is really really nice

for my stepsisters giving me more opportunities for service and friendship

for Unity on the River giving me more opportunities to increase my conscious contact

for Bonnie who said I always looked put together..(What!..that's what I always think of everyone else!)

for Tim and Richard who told me my marriage is normal (of course they don't know the whole story)

for the double mocchacinos at Cafe Di

that the new coffee shop finally opened up in my town

for Allyson's baby shower tomorrow

for my therapist who thinks a letter is pretty much the answer to everything..and is right

for the sun that is going to rise soon and give me a beautiful show to view from my kitchen window

for Mitch who always gives me something lasting to chuckle about

and finally for the program of Alcoholics Annonymous...

Practice these Principles

2009-02-25T09:44:00.007-05:00

"Now comes the biggest question yet. What about the practice of these principles in all our affairs? Can we love the whole pattern of living as eagerly as we do the small segment of it we discover when we try to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety? Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group? Can we have the same kind of confidence and faith in these people who have been infected and sometimes crippled by our own illness that we have in our sponsors? Can we actually carry the A.A. spirit into our daily work? Can we meet our newly recognized responsibilities to the world at large? And can we bring new purpose and devotion to the religion of our choice? Can we find a new joy of living in trying to do something about all these things?"
I wrote about the difficulties with my husband yesterday. And guess what we read last night in our step meeting? ...the above from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book. I had a chance to talk to my sponser as well as my therapist and then the meeting. Not to mention the suggestions I have received here. Can I answer yes to these questions? Not really.

So here's the thing. I have rocked my husband's world. I've flipped it on him. I am no longer the same woman he's been with for 27 years...22 of it married. We met in a bar, we dated in bars, I worked in a bar for half our marriage and finally I turned our home into a bar. He has certain expectations of that woman he was with, certain patterns...but she's no longer there. She's not overcompensating for drinking anymore. She doesn't react the same way. She doesn't have the same priorities. Her focus has changed. Not only that, she is trusting and relying upon God..not him. And he's still stuck in the old system. And to be fair, I haven't really talked to him about any of this. He's not interested in sharing any of it yet and that's okay. He doesn't have to participate...just by giving him an idea of where I am may help. He's grateful I am sober..I think. We had a brief discussion when I made amends to him. That helped a little. But it wasn't enough and it's time. Now is the time. I cannot expect him to change...but I can let him know what is changed in me. He's seen it behaviorally to some extent..and he doesn't necessarily like it, but he doesn't really know what I'm feeling. Hard to talk about feelings when the conversation is staying on the surface. My therapist suggested a letter and I'll probably go with that...to get a vacant look will be distracting. And I must remember this quote from Step 7 of the 12 x 12.. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. I cannot have any expectations that things will change.....but I can "try to do something about these things" and then accept it and move on.

The Bad Place

2009-02-24T09:05:00.004-05:00

I was exhausted yesterday so I cancelled a meeting (not AA) that I was supposed to go to, made dinner and chilled out. Watched Academy Award rehash stuff which was fun and touching. Rewatching Kate Winslet's response to her Dad's whistle was just so endearing. Anyway, my husband usually calls around 5 ish to check in to see what's up for the night. He had called my son around 4 and I was there...so when I changed my plans for the night I didn't think anything of it. I just made dinner and settled in. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. I figured our contact during my son's call was enough. He got home just before 8....all is well...I told him I was exhausted so didn't go...dinner's in the kitchen...do you want to watch a movie? I'm not sure where in the conversation he went to the bad place but he blew. Really upset that I hadn't called him to let him know. He likes to get an "itinerary" of the evening. He had thought of stopping for dinner on the way home..(he didn't.) I changed it up and didn't tell him. Didn't help to tell him I was exhausted. (I didn't call anyone or go online after I called to cancel my appearance at the meeting). That just made it worse really.

The good thing is..I did not engage. Once I could see nothing I would say would change how he felt....without hurting myself in the process....I just got quiet. Let him go on and on. And then I went to bed. I woke up this morning fully rested which was great. We did not talk about it. But I also did not bang around or give him the "silent" treatment. Just went on as usual. I'm not sure this is a good thing. I know I feel unsettled but I also know that talking to him about it is not going to help. Me or him.

And now I am fighting going to the bad place myself. The anger and self pity at being treated unfairly. And was it unfair? I just don't know, he certainly doesn't think so. Is he being unreasonable? I think maybe. But then it goes to that Serenity Prayer....I cannot change him..I can only change myself. I have the wisdom of that today. And that is not necessarily a good thing. Well, its a good thing, just not necessarily an easy thing. I'm not sure what to do with it. It's tough to change when the world around you doesn't. And then how to work and be within that world without being held back. Without causing pain or discomfort.

It's like the line in the John Mayer song Why Georgia...."don't believe me if I say I've got it all down"..and "so I've got a smile on me but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head". What superstitions? Well one would be what 22 years of marriage is.

It's all good.

We Beg of You

2009-02-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

That's what I heard this morning as How it Works was read as usual. "With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to fearless and thorough from the very start." pg 58. Lots of people put the emphasis on "suggestions"....or .."everyone does it their own way, in their own time." And these things are true....to an extent. But it seems to me that Bill W., Dr. Bob and the first 100 who were involved in the writing of our text...which has not changed....were begging the alcoholic reader to do it. I heard Thich Nhat Hahn say this morning as well...The Buddha says you have to do it (mindfulness, meditation, etc.) to find happiness. (or something like that..I stayed up to watch the Academy Awards last night so my brain is kind of scrambled even from what I just listened to an hour ago:).

For me, I was so desperate when I got to AA..so ready...that I wanted to follow directions. I was looking for someone, Anyone to tell me what I needed to do. Please. In fact...suggestions...were not what I was looking for. I wanted clear directions. Precise directions. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. No questions asked. And I got them. I can't say that I didn't ask questions but I will say that I listened to the answers. I hear about suggestions now...and I hear people sharing that they don't have to do this, that or the other thing in the Big Book or what they hear in meetings because it is only a suggestion....and they don't have to I suppose. I wonder why on page 164 it says "this book is meant to be suggestive only..."? I wonder if they had written today..after all these years...they would say something more like...this book is meant to save your life.

And when your life is saved....when you have found peace, happiness, joy even in the face of a not so perfect life, when the obsession to drink alcohol is gone...when life is changed..it is really difficult to see others dying, hurting, obsessing, struggling, suffering, early in sobriety and 20 years sober and I want to say..I beg of you....

Comfort

2009-02-20T08:54:00.002-05:00

Whoever said life was supposed to be comfortable...that we needed to feel comfortable? I think I've always been avoiding uncomfortable feelings. When I was a child I do not recall receiving comfort except perhaps from my grandmother. Then as a teenager, being moved to another state..I was definately uncomfortable in my new environment and sought refuge in the comfort of drugs and alcohol. I felt more comfortable with myself and with situations. And that grew into a lifetime of comfort seeking and relief seeking behavior. And alcoholism. And my alcoholism made me the most uncomfortable of all....not necessarily while drinking it....but in the moments when I didn't have it and needed it...the moments when I was recovering from the hangover....the guilt, anger and remorse. These were not comfortable things..which of course led to seeking more comfort.

And getting sober is very uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to have and admit to an unmanageable life. It is uncomfortable to believe in Something you have no knowledge of. It is uncomfortable to let go and turn it over to that Something. It is uncomfortable to confront your past and be honest. It's uncomfortable to share that honesty with someone else. It is uncomfortable seeking out others in order to make amends. It was uncomfortable to walk into a room of strangers and tell them your deepest darkest secret. It was uncomfortable to pick up the phone and call someone out of the blue and ask for help. It was uncomfortable to approach someone and ask them if they would consider sponsering a wretch. It was uncomfortable to raise my hand. It was uncomfortable to pour a cup of coffee. It was extremely uncomfortable trying to appear comfortable without the usual comfort assistance.

But I did it. And in doing so I found the most comfort I have ever known. All around me. In me. Through me. In others. Too bad I couldn't have found that as a child. But I didn't know what I didn't know. Didn't learn what I wasn't taught. And the journey was mine to follow and I did. I am grateful for that. And today I am very comfortable. And when I'm not I seek refuge in His Presence. And I am more comfortable than ever.

The Obsession

2009-02-18T09:19:00.003-05:00

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. " (The Doctor's Opinion)
Why was the obsession lifted for me? How did that happen? What makes me different from my friend who died? What makes me different from the chronic relapsers I see so much of in the rooms? What makes me different from that new person who no longer wants to suffer the consequences of their drinking?
In the 9 years before I got sober, I watched as my mother drank herself into oblivian. She did not die a physical death but she is lost to me. I watched my uncle die on his bathroom floor where he lay for weeks before being found. And I struggled with my own drinking. "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (pg 30) I did not, no way, no how want to be like them but I was becoming more and more. I could not think of a life without alcohol. I could not get through the day without alcohol. I tried over and over again to stop. I will not drink today. I will not drink ever again. I am done. This is it. Over and over...day in and day out..week in and week out...month in and month out..year in and year out. And once I took that drink I had no power over how much I drank. I'll just have one. I only want one. Let me have a just a sip. Okay two then.......till it was the morning and I had no idea how this happened...again. "they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence." (The Doctor's Opinion).
I cannot even articulate how grateful I am that I did not have to come to the gates of insanity or death as my uncle and mother did. That even though I came to Alcoholics Annonymous with perhaps the hopes that I would find out that I was not an alcoholic, not like them..I was not dead or dying.., that instead I found out that I had a physical and mental disease (not something caused by my own weakness and moral choices) and that there was a solution, a way to recover and that it was outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous and it wasn't as simple as my willpower..I will not drink. When I heard this, read this I felt relief almost immediately. Or should I say when I understood this. The things I heard in meetings definately helped me not to drink....calling people, go to meetings, H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), one day at a time, listen (take the cotton out of your ears and put into your mouth), etc. But none of those things removed the obsession to drink and the resulting craving once I started to drink. They are all really good things..really helpful things...and I have seen those things help people not to drink for years. I cannot say however that I have seen those things remove the obsession for anyone. And they certainly were not enough for me. The most helpful thing I heard in meetings was that I needed to work the 12 steps in order to recover. All that other stuff would help me not to drink for a day..but to recover....I had to do the work..the steps.
I did not want to take any chances. And mind you this was not a conscious decision on my part. I could not, not drink. Like I said..those suggestions helped...but I still wanted to drink. I wanted a drink...please. So when I heard the word recover...my ears perked up. I listened. And I began to understand with the help of my sponser and others in the rooms who answered my questions, sometimes before they were even asked. When I got to AA, I knew my life was unmanageable...and that I was powerless over alcohol..my life had proven that....I just needed confirmation and I got it. Identification I think they call it. Then I heard I had to come to believe. In what? So I listened yet again. I read the book..Came to Believe along with the Big Book. And I heard God of my understanding. And I understood that I did not understand. And it happened. I came to believe...at some point here..I had a moment...ironing...when a sudden overwhelming feeling came over me that it was going to be okay. Why? I have no idea..but I accepted the feeling. I did not have to define it anymore..it was just there.
And as I progressed through the steps somewhere along the line the obsession to drink was lifted and removed. I don't think about it anymore...yes, if it's in my face..I may romance it..wish it were different..must be nice.....but it passes and its gone. It just doesn't bother me anymore. I am at peace about alchohol. Now... lots of other things do bother me and that's why I have to keep moving forward. And I have to be vigilant about this because these are the underlying causes and conditions that fed my disease. Resentments, fears, selfcenteredness and the like...these things did not cause me to become an alcoholic....lots of people have these same charachter defects and are not alcoholics...like my husband for instance:)...but what they did was feed my alcoholism...drove me to seek that effect I found from alcohol and then the resulting obsession and craving. Crazy isn't it? Something has clicked.

Calling All Angels

2009-02-16T09:14:00.002-05:00

A woman in my morning meeting celebrated 19 years of sobriety on Saturday. She shared her moment..her spiritual experience..when things, life changed for her. I wouldn't possibly be able to do it justice and its not my story..but what is my story is that because of her spiritual experience...the light shining down on you kind..I was given a spirtual awakening. I was not blessed to have one of those fall on your knees moments...but because she has so freely shared hers and because others have..I have been able to open my eyes and my heart. I didn't know what I believed when I came to AA. I wasn't even sure I thought I was really an alcoholic and I certainly didn't know what a Higher Power was. I think maybe I was looking for a way out. But what I found was a way in. To sobriety and to the divinity within. And many candles lit my way. And many angels...and they are..

My mother...her low bottom became my high bottom. when her candle blew out mine was lit.

AABC...the yahoo group who was always there...dispensing the message.

Red headed Gal and all the other bloggers...who seemed so much, too much like me.

Scout...who asked...do you even go to meetings.

Archie...who posted a simple explanation of the 12 steps that I could wrap my head around.

Kathy...who welcomed me to AA and directed me to the next meeting.

Chickie...who helped me acknowledge out loud that I was an alcoholic.

Ruth...who told me she cried during the Lord's Prayer too.

Joan...who was quietly present at all those first meetings, knitting and telling me it was okay.

Lynne...who smiled wide when I showed up, agreed to sponser me and took me to tea.

Dorothy....who showed me what a divine presence means.

Dennis...who told me to keep smiling.

Sonia...who needed me.

Terry...who kept it real and made me laugh.

So many more....too many to name...all these candles lit the way..keep it lit so that I can stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.

so grateful...

Belated Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-15T07:15:00.002-05:00

We were invited to a dinner party last night. I had a bit of angst about it during the week. The hosts were parents of one of my son's teammates. They've played sports together since middle school whether it was on the same team or opposing teams. Most recently as co-captains of the soccer team. So we've been sideline friends. Not really friends but you build a certain comraderie with the parents...kibbitzing the coach, cheering on the team, ride sharing and the like. And now our kids are graduating and then you don't see these people again. So I believe that was her motivation because the invitation came out of the blue and I was very flattered to be included but then again I was also thinking...geesh...do I want to be hanging out with these people? And I wasn't really given an opportunity to decline gracefully...the question was..what day don't you have plans...so I couldn't very well say...every day...which I was inclined to do.

Anyway...I know these people are big wine drinkers and enjoyed a Christmas party there a few years back..drinking away and getting flush. They have this huge wine collection that we sampled..(of course I did a lot of sampling) and by the end of the evening explained that they served this two buck chuck to this other couple because they were big drinkers and didn't know difference.....and we talked about how it wasn't bad...me exclaiming of course. Next morning when I thanked her...I also told her two buck chuck gave me a headache...and then realized...she brought out the two buck chuck for ME.

But it was a nice time...we arrived and they were perusing a photo album of a trip to Italy with one of the other couples...and the hostess said just wanted to show you the area where we got the wines we'll be drinking tonight. I thought...here we go.....but it wasn't a big deal at all.
We brought a bottle of wine and 2 bottles of San Pelligrino. From previous experience I knew that no non alcoholic beverage would be offered. I had it all planned when asked...to say that drinking didn't do anything for me anymore and then pray it didn't go any further than that and if it did..I figured I would either fake it...or just tell them I was an alcoholic. But guess what...big suprise...nobody asked. When the host got us drinks after we arrived...he got my husband a beer and then just poured me a glass of San Pelligrino and that was the end of it. We had a nice dinner and the conversation was pretty good...another woman also was not really drinking..she had to cover her glass when the hostess kept refilling and quietly asked me to share the San Pelligrino...

We don't really do dinner parties...just not in our realm..but this was really nice. As my husband said..as we sat around the table...I feel like a grown up.

Sherif of Sobertown

2009-02-13T17:39:00.001-05:00

One of the guys at a meeting said he didn't want to be the sheriff of sobertown..It's been making me chuckle ever since...it's tough especially in early sobriety to take direction..and figure out who to take direction from..I think that's where he's at...The thing with AA is there is no sheriff but there are alot of folks who think they are..and it can rub ya the wrong way...

Anyway..I know I'll never be the Sherriff...I'm more like Aunt Bee.....

have a great weekend.

Really?

2009-02-11T12:11:00.002-05:00

A member of our morning group celebrated 29 years today. 29 years! I will be 79 if and when I hit that amount of sobriety. I cannot absolutely cannot look at it like that. But what I can remember is that today, this day, marks 20 months for me. Really? I didn't even realize and at the meeting said I had 19 months. Then later I was counting on my fingers...yes I need them..and realized its 20! Months. Of continuous sobriety. Of not having a drink. Of living a new life. I reflected on my answer the other day as to what you could not live without. In the past I might have said happiness, my children, the beach....and I now answer, truthfully, in spite of my own disbelief..I cannot live without the grace of God in my life. That is where AA has lead me. To a Higher Power and an ever increasing desire to improve my conscious contact..and THAT is what keeps me sober.

I am very very grateful to those like the gentleman with 29 years who stick around to tell those of us who are willing how it is done. And it is about willingness isn't it? Open, Honest and Willing. If I can maintain those three principles in my life..I'm gonna be okay.

Home stretch to 2 years...there's gonna be a par..tay.....!

My daughter

2009-02-10T10:05:00.003-05:00

I had a nice conversation with my daughter yesterday. She is so busy. She is a sophomore in college. I still have a hard time believing that this is the child I raised. As much as she is like me she is so unlike me. The poor thing had to suffer me as a mother in high school when I completely did not trust her and was like a terrorist in my attempts to block/protect her from wasting her high school years as I did. Her favorite story is our phone call when she called to tell me she was skipping soccer practice so she could look for costumes for the school play. I told her she was "going down the wrong path." I was so worried about her not living up to her responsibilities and commitments one of which was soccer I didn't even hear that she was doing the same thing for theater and had simply made a choice. All I heard was I'm blowing off soccer...and that leads to drinking, drugs and prostitution. Such an idiot. I can see now that I was simply projecting my own feelings about my choices onto her. I am so grateful that she seems to have survived me.

She is my role model. She is so involved. She's thinking about joining a German discussion group (German is her minor), I just think that's crazy..I never would have had the gumption. And she's an alternative spring break coordinator and will be going to Kentucky to work in some Horse Cave instead of to Cancun to wear a wet tshirt. She's a chairperson of a dance marathon that raises money for pediatric aids, she's met people from all over the world and visits them, she's getting decent grades...she's very focused, she's working as a waitress to help pay for school and lifestyle choices. She's going to school with all these rich kids yet works her butt off to be able to do the same things and easily says no when she can't. She takes the iniative in her life and doesn't wait for it to happen. I check myself now when she shares about her extracurricular activities..parties, concerts, kareoke, etc. the normal fun stuff of college life. My instinct is to wag my finger and warn...beware of the bongs..and keg parties. But I don't have to. Because she's doing it. She's living life in all its fullness. I know drinking is involved to some extent...and I can only pray that my life has been a warning to her. A signpost.

I can't help but compare myself to her when I was her age..I spent high school on the path (literally, there was a path between the 2 campuses of my school and that's where we got high), I didn't go away to college because I didn't want anything to change so I lived at home and commuted, I did not participate in any extracurricular activities besides going to the local bars, well yes I played softball for awhile but let's be real, I did that for the drinking afterwards, I did not socialize with anyone I went to school with opting instead for the drinking buddies I met on my job, I did nothing essentially but spiral down the path of drinking and addiction. Making wrong choices at every turn. My school life was literally for the piece of paper I thought would open doors for me..when what I really did was shut those doors.

It's just amazing to me the stark differences between us. Yet we are so much alike tempermentally. That's what scares the heck out of me as her mother. But that's where faith comes in. Faith, and Trust, and Acceptance, and all these things that we learn in AA. She has her own journey, her own Higher Power..though sadly she doesn't think so, her own life...and I am a bystander. But I am a grateful bystander. Just so grateful...and my son is about to begin his journey and I hope I can take these lessons as well for him. I am finding that remaining a bystander to your child's life is infinately more rewarding than trying to control and direct it. They do a heck of lot better. Thank you God.

2009-02-09T13:08:00.004-05:00

i have been tagged by Fireman John for a meme; What's a meme anyway? All about meme? Whatever. This helps because I have so much stuff swirling around that it would be hard to grasp it long enough to trap it to paper..or desktop...So here you are..if you've been reading you probably already know this stuff...

A. Attached or single?
attached

B. Best friend?
Nancy

C. Cake or pie?
Cake

D. Day of Choice?
Sunday

E. Essential item?
book, any book

F. Favorite color?
blue

G. Gummy bears or worms?
blech....

H. Hometown?
child, teenager, newlywed or as a parent....?

I. Favorite indulgence?
naps

J. January or July?
July

K. Kids?
Yes, a daugher of 20 and a son of 18

L. Life isn’t complete without?
the grace of God

M. Marriage date?
11/1/86

N. Number of magazine subscriptions?
0

O. Orange or apple?
Apple

P. Phobias?
really big bridges...a little

Q. Quotes?
"patience is a virtue"

R. Reasons to smile?
empty nest soon

S. Season of choice?
autumn

T. Tag 5 people
the usual...

U. Unknown fact about me?
MIke Ditka's godchild

V. Vegetable?
spinach

W. Worst habit?
smoking

X. X-ray or ultrasound?
ultrasound

Y. Your favorite food(s)?
Lobster, prime rib, chocolate

Z. Zodiac sign
Gemini

Sting - Brand New Day

2009-02-08T05:29:00.001-05:00

So my discovery this week....my thinking is screwed up. Big suprise. The way I think is part of why I am an alcoholic in the first place. A three fold disease they call it. Physical, mental, and spiritual. I got the physical down. The obsession to drink has been lifted for me and as long as I don't put a drink in my body the phenonmenon of craving will not begin. I'm working on the spiritual. I have had an awakening and work to increase my conscious contact with God, my Higher Power, the Source, the Creator everyday. It has given me a level of peace I have never known.

But my thinking, oh my thinking. Still screwed up. For instance...we are having a conversation. You say...I need xyz. I need to know xyz, I need to have xyz. I cannot do abc until I get xyz. I hear.. Can you give me xyz? Can you find out about xyz? Can you do xyz? Now, that is not what you said at all. We are just talking. You are sharing information but not calling for action. But my brain goes into action. Now sometimes in the conversation, I will say...I can give that to you, I can find out for you, I can do that for you, and if we're lucky maybe I'll ask if that is what you want, would you like me to do this, get this, find out this and you will say..please do or no thank you. And it's all good. But sometimes, I will just go into action. Why? I don't know. Because I think I've heard the question I suppose when really all that has been said is a statement. And when that happens...9 times out of 10 (and most likely that's an overestimation), you might be grateful, thanks you'll say or you might not say anything but it will help you and I will feel grateful. But the 10th time...I have crossed a boundry. One I didn't see, granted, but one that was there nonetheless..and then you feel violated. You shared information and it was taken and used. Against your wishes. You after all thought you were simply sharing information. To lighten the load. To explain. Whatever. It's not important. Self centered behavior. I think everything is about me. What I think. What I can do. How I can help. It's not. Big suprise. Motivations, intentions, good will..doesn't matter. It is not about me. The big I AM. Or more accurately I CAN. It's okay to listen for simply listening's sake. And to simply ask How can I help? instead of I will do this or even worse doing it and telling after the fact. When it's too late and the boundry has been crossed and reparations must be made, amends made..wreckage of the present cleared.

Oh what fun this recovery is..what a delight self discovery is...No..it's effing painful. My knees are skinned and I think I need stitches on my forehead. But at least I didn't lose a limb. Or worse, a friend.

Rebel Yell

2009-02-06T06:14:00.002-05:00

My sponser is a musician and we went to see her perform with a new band she is in last night. They were great and reminded me how much I used to love this song. They didn't do it Billy Idol style...but a good song is a good song. And I loved their version. I really like when musicians mix up songs to match their style. Like Run DMC doing Walk this Way, or David Cook on American Idol last year..he won because he could take a song and completely convert it to his own....That's what this band did last night with a steel guitar, acoustic guitar, bass and cavone (i'm probably spelling that wrong but its a cool percussion instrument) and female lead singer. It was amazing. This is a newly formed band..when they make it big I'll post their video of Rebel Yell

The occasion was a birthday for the resteraunt owner. Very small little place and was packed to the gills with her friends. I don't think I would have gone if I did. We went to support my sponser. I know the lead singer as well because I'm a regular at her shop in town...she sells great stuff, perfect for gifts with a treat for myself now and then. Normally being in a room of strangers would have made me uncomfortable but I was strangely at home. There was a lot of drinking going on especially by the birthday girl...but it didn't bother me...I was really digging the music. Using words like digging is a new thing too. But it is seemingly coming naturally.

Change is good.

You Get What You Need

2009-02-05T11:07:00.005-05:00

Well, I know I'm not alone but sometimes the path, especially the spiritual path, can be lonely. It occurred to me last night that I was no longer feeling good about the morning meeting (my home group) that I attend on a daily basis. Looking around at the people thinking, my assumptions that this was my "family" was all wrong. The friends I have made and hang out with in AA are not in this group. The people who are sharing their spiritual journey with me are not in this group. So maybe now its time to leave it. I have a vigerous meeting schedule anyway, maybe its time for a break. It made me feel sad but I'm feeling stretched. Something may have to give.

But I bring someone to the meeting every mornng and that's what got me there this morning..thank Goodness. And I told her so and thanked her. Another woman who is struggling and whom I called yesterday showed up and was there...after not going for the last week so that was good. Another woman who has been in her words "dabbling" in AA for the last year or two got a chip for her 9 days after finally making the decision to jump in and get a sponser. She had asked me and I told her I'm not sponsering yet but I'd be her phone person until she got one...suggested meetings where she might find a good one. Another woman who also has been close to this whole funeral thing came over and whispered thanks for being her friend and if nothing else it had brought the two of us closer. She made me cry and I had to leave the meeting and sit in the bathroom for a few minutes to compose myself. When people are nice to me when I'm down or feeling alone..it makes me cry. Another guy made an announcement that it was 30 months for him and he wanted to share because it was the longest he had ever been sober. I took a quarter and a sharpie and made a medallion for him. That was fun.

I did not sit in the circle and haven't this week except when I chaired. I'm kind of liking the distance it has given me and a bit of the camraderie back there. They joke and call it denial aisle. Sitting there doesn't mean you don't share...we go round robin and sometimes it starts there. Anyway at the end of the meeting as we were putting our chairs away..one of the woman came up to me and said.."where were you?!". I said I was here all the time. She said.."i took my seat and you were not sitting over there. I need to see you...I didn't know what was happening without you here..you are my rock. Dont' do that again!" I promised that I would make sure to tap her on the shoulder when I change my seat...How did she know? I know I feel the same way about certain people. But I had no idea ANYONE felt that way about me. We don't even usually talk that much.

In spite of myself, I think that perhaps indeed this is my family and just like family there are ups and downs, ebbs and flows..good times and bad..but they are the people you count on being there, even when you aren't. That you are stuck with whether you like them or not.

One man new to the meeting shared how he didn't know he was an alcoholic till he came to AA. And now, he didn't really have to have the meetings and such to keep him sober..his Higher Power does that. Meetings are nice..but not necessary. My experience is a bit different. When I came to AA, I KNEW I was an alcoholic but I was looking for a way out. I didn't want to be one..and thought if I went to a meeting I would find out I wasn't and maybe get to continue drinking...and what I found was that I was an alcoholic and there was a solution to my problem. Better yet, it works and the obsession to drink has been lifted for me today. I agree with him that it is because of my Higher Power...but I found That in AA, through AA. I needed the meetings to do that. And I need the meetings so that I can continue to work with others to ensure my own sobriety and to stay in service to my Higher Power. And that means more than just sharing at meetings. It means sitting in denial aisle next to the woman who can't stop drinking, it means giving my number to the woman who finally made a decsion, it means acknowledging another members milestone, it means talking to each other through hard times...it means being present and accounted for. It means being the signpost for others.

I'm still conflicted. But that's life. Carolyn Myss says God is order and God is disorder. God is both. I am so grateful for Kelly right now..my sister spiritual warrior. She has absolutely no idea that I was getting ready to put down the sword. I guess the message is if you are feeling something..say it..that one little insignificant thing that you push off, may mean the world to someone and completely turn their thinking around.

Nameste

Uninvited

2009-02-04T10:41:00.003-05:00

This works on so many levels for me today...

I've not been able to check in with everyone but I appreciate your comments. They have helped me tremendously. I am grateful for my circle....of fellow spiritual warriors...for protecting me and guiding me...I am grateful for God's Grace that allows me to be willing to hold someone's anger and frustration in my soul in order that they may grieve. It seems my soul can take it...if I remain spiritually fit and in conscious contact. You help me do this. Thank you.

Smack Down

2009-02-03T05:28:00.003-05:00

So here's the thing...someone is very upset with me...personally. I have prayed. I have talked to my sponser and another trusted friend. I have prayed. I went through those 10th step questions ad nauseum. I have prayed. And I am comfortable with my actions that were upsetting. I don't have to continue...but I am being pushed and pulled. And I must now stand firm and not sway in any direction. Be a rock, solid. Even if I feel all liquid and mush inside. And I also cannot go running around looking for comfort and validation..he said this, she did that...aren't I right? Please pat me on the back. Tell me its okay. And I keep looking at myself...am I behaving in a selfish, self seeking manner and the answer is no aboslutely not. Am I trying to control outcomes and situations and the answer is no absolutely not. Am I disrespectful and insensitive and the answer is no absolutely not. Can anything I say or do change anything and the answer is no absolutely not. Can I affect what others think of me and does it even matter and the answer is no absolutely not. Do I care? Well, sadly the answer is yes..and I must change that. What others think of me is none of my business.

I can't get into specifics here...I'm feeling gun shy. I could go into a long litany of she said this, he said this, they asked that, so I did this, the situation is that...and it really doesn't matter. But let me say that I've got this Internal Struggle going on right now. That music? above...is exactly what it feels like inside. Carolyn Myss talks about it in her book Entering the Castle. Cannot believe how much what I listened to this weekend pertains to what I am going through right now and I'm not very good at articulating what she has said but I have internalized it. One of the things is that if you cannot handle the work required in your mansions (her book discusses St Teresa's The Interior Castle), then you should go back to the kitchen and peel potatoes. "make no mistake", she says. I think I'm at the door. Hand on the doorknob. I can hear her now...are you in or are you out? I'm not sure which mansion I'm in..possibly Chaos or Reason. I know for sure I'm not in the mansion of Illumination. Maybe I'm running between the 2 of them when I should just settle into one and finish. But what I do know is that I hate peeling potatoes. Spent my life there and don't want to go back.

In my mind, one minute..my old self, my false self, my drinking self...is saying...F*ck him. Loser. And then the next minute I am where I should be...I am praying...for compassion, understanding, peace, acceptance, not for me for him, for them. I think I've got those things..well maybe not quite peace right now:) That's what the Big Book tells us to do on page 552. And that's what I've done. And I guess that's what I must keep doing. My old self would like to think about this tomorrow, like Scarlett. My old self would like to say..frankly I don't give a damn. My old self would like a cocktail. My old self would like to skip the morning meeting this morning and not deal with what may happen. How I may appear. What may be said. My old self wants to dwell on what will occur in an hour. But me..the awakened Me, the emerging Me, knows that I must continue forward and as my friend told me this weekend and as I've heard before in these rooms...if you are going to stay you are going to have to learn to step over the bodies. The old me wants to pick them up and carry them. And would keep trying until beaten and bloodied and worn. I am going to survive...I know this. I want everyone to survive but that is not going to happen.

So that's what's going on with me. How's your day been?

Discernment is a B*tch

2009-02-02T05:21:00.006-05:00

Steve said its a gift from God...but I guess not all gifts come in shiny packages with a nice bow...and we don't always get the gifts we ask for or expect or even want...and I try not to ask, expect or want anything though I am not always successful most assuredly....I'm just trying to figure it out..doing the best I can..which most of the time feels inadequate...but I know that's me..and not God's will..so I have to sit with God and wait...patient waiting...that's the contemplative outreach symbol on my sidebar..its the monogram of Job and symbolizes patient waiting..I wear a medallion around my neck too. And I know that others will not understand this...and may react in negative ways..and I must accept this...it is not about them or me...noone said it would be easy...

I got nothing...the video has nothing to do with this post..it had to do with yesterday's post which I lost..but I'm keeping it...it was meant to be. I just wish I could think about it tomorrow. Would make today easier.

2009-02-01T13:48:00.003-05:00

I hate it when I lose a post

Visiting Nurse

2009-01-31T06:20:00.005-05:00

I am going to visit a sick friend today. He is a member of my online group whose absence has been sorely missed. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away but I am closest..and I can offer my group an opportunity to offer encouragment and support to him in person. I am a mere emmissary. He is one of the people whose posts I read, who was consistant and kind, in the years before I got sober and lurked around the group...just to see...He helped me to see. So now I want to help him. That's how it works.

So off I go today, armed with Carolyn Myss' Entering the Castle, Joe and Charlie and Coldplay to listen to for the ride....I won't get to spend much time with him but I will deliver a poster made by another member of all our prayers and get well wishes...and then I will head home hopefully in time for my meditation meeting.

My husband doesn't quite get this....he thinks its odd...and risky. But I know I am being led here..and where You lead..I will follow.

Kinda Grumpy

2009-01-30T11:12:00.002-05:00

Not really, I'm content but I'm accepting that I'm grumpy too. Acceptance breeds contentment I guess. So even though....

....I am so sick of winter and the ice and dirty snow and bad parking and narrow roads and cars that park on narrow roads that you can't get around them and the cold so that your toes are never warm....

....I get jealous feelings over someone I should not have jealous feelings about although I want to have a reason to have these jealous feelings but I am working through the jealous feelings like a good AA girl....and better yet not acting on them...

....My boss likes to think of himself as a spiritually enlightened person but in reality he is clueless and somehow it has become my job to gently direct him and I would more like to scream out hypocrite...

....I get frustrated when someone professes to want my help and gets me all geared up but can't seem to even keep a commitment to call at a certain time...

.... I am continually asked what is going on when I have no idea what is going on and wonder how the heck did I become the person that is supposed to know and how can I stop doing that...and other people from expecting it...and how I can stop the mere question from compelling me to try to find out what is going on...

....I am constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing or assuming that I have...

....people can be mean and self absorbed...

....household chores are overwhelming me...

....life can be hard...

....money can be tight...

....and I don't always get what I want...

I can experience all of these things and be content..happy even. And I can do it sober. And this is a miracle.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-29T12:10:00.002-05:00

We were playing this game at another venue..thought I'd share here...

1. I have a hard time thinking about just one thing about me let alone 25:) and I don't particularly like thinking about myself at all so I'm counting this thought as one.

2. I grew up in the projects of Pittsburgh...hill district to be exact...while my father attended Carnegie Tech for his Phd. During the riots after MLK was shot..I was scared. We moved shortly thereafter.

3. I was born in Boston and my first marriage home and where I got pregnant, was 2 blocks from where my parents had lived..full circle.

4. My parents "had" to get married but never discussed it with me..I found out while looking for my birth certificate for a school project and finding their marriage certificate at the same time. I never asked them about it.

5. I was on the swim team when I was in sixth grade...and got a first place ribbon for backstroke and a third place ribbon for butterfly. But I wasn't very good comparatively speaking so never pursued it. Plus I used to have to get allergy shots just before swim practice and my arm used to hurt like the dickens.

6. I always wanted to be a teacher but went to school to become a social worker, ended up in retail management..until I became a mother which led to waitressing and now I am a paralegal. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

7. I played the clarinet until band practice interfered with recess.

8. My favorite childhood memories come from my summer visits at my Grandmother's house in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania. The best one...eating grilled cheese sandwiches, drinking ginger ale and watching Hollywood Squares while Grandma ironed. She talked on the phone to her sisters, my Tetis, in Serbian the whole time so I wouldn't overhear the gossip. The only Serbian word I really remember is chechi (and that's not the spelling) which means wait.

9. Mike Ditka is my Godfather. He and my dad were best friends in high school. I haven't seen him since I was a baby. He did not come to my father's funeral...but his mother did. Pete Maravich, Pistol Pete, was my cousins cousin, his father Press Maravich was my father's gym teacher.

10. After I graduated from high school I played softball on a town women's team and had never played before. I loved it..we went from being the joke of the league to making it into the top 3. Best of all..we were sponsered by Tester's Tavern..our motto.."Winning isn't everything but losing sucks"....free drinks after the game..need I say more?

11. I met my husband in a bar called Malone's in New Haven where the bartender was a mutual friend. He likes to tell people that I patted the barstool next to me and said "sit next to me". That did not happen.

12. I like to do random acts of kindness...I'd tell you about them but that would defeat the purpose.

13. There is a care package in my mudroom for a soldier I have adopted. I have had it there since last May. For some reason I can't get myself to ship it out.

14. I think I would love the monastic life.

15. I really do enjoy reality tv...American Idol, Survivor, Top Chef, Project Runway and yes, even Big Brother. Chewing gum for the eyes.

16. I like to be near bodies of water...ocean, lake, river...I don't think I could ever live landlocked.

17. I write a blog but I like to keep it private. oops! (an obvious cut paste from the other venue:)

18. I have struggled with smoking for decades. I started as a teenager and finally quit in 1985, picked it up again in 1991 and quit again"for good" in 2004. I picked it up again in 2008 and have smoked about every other month. I'm going to quit again on Feb 1st.

19. I am an avid reader...since childhood....and would rather be reading something by a fire, a beach, under a tree..than doing anything else.

20. In my senior year of high school my best friend and I went to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. I fell madly in love with a boy from Kentucky and came home and broke up with my boyfirend and as a result did not attend my senior prom. I never heard from the boy from Kentucky again.

21. I hit a carful of nuns from Albertus Magnus college while taking an improper left hand turn from the wrong lane and then drove away and got lost. I was getting high at the time. By the time I found my way back to the scene of the accident they were already gone. I did not know they were nuns. I was scared. When I got home I lied told my father I hit a pole in a local take out joint's parking lot. I was not supposed to be driving in New Haven. Then the cops called in the middle of the night and in describing the accident to my father stated..."well, the nuns said....." The nuns called a few weeks later to make sure I was okay and was not scared to ever drive again.

22. I am a loyal and trustworthy friend.

23. My favorite movie is Sound of Music and my friend Nancy will tell you about walking around the streets of New Haven singing the lyrics on the top of my lungs. I love to sing and was in a children's chorus with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra. As I grew up I was too self conscious.

24. Moving to another state at the age of 13 was probably the most traumatic, life changing event in my life.

25. I have been know not to finish things so finishing this list is quite an accomplishment.

I'm not going to do the tag/link thing but would love it if you would share your randomness, too.

Sermon on The Mount...The Reality Show

2009-01-28T04:01:00.004-05:00

I got this little flyer from a member of an online group that there was to be a seminar on the book Sermon on the Mount at The Wilson House in March. This was Bill W.'s childhood home in Vermont and serves as a retreat center now...it's about 3 hours from my home. So I asked a few other women if they were interested. Passed out the flyer..and now we have 8 going. And when someone hears about it they want to go. The seminar is booked up and just taking waiting lists...so we do have a ninth on that. And so far it looks like we're all staying in one small cabin across the street. 8 women of a certain age trying to get ready at the same time and out the door by 8:30 am every morning. The cabin sleeps 4...and we figured a few air mattresses on the floor. Of course the proprietors may not be so accomodating. Most of the women don't care and are more concerned about the cost than comfort..so they feel the more the merrier or should I say, cheaper. And then a few women are getting uncomfortable with the idea...of being jammed in and having their morning rituals of putting themselves together disturbed...but they don't want to be the ones to raise the price for everyone else by getting another room. Some have not paid for their registration yet...and when push comes to shove....so it will be interesting to see how it unfolds....And all of us in a room together should be interesting. You should be there when we go for tea...sometimes everyone is speaking at the same time...its amazing...

Me, I loved the book and am looking forward to a directed reading of it. I am the sort that would be happy in a room alone or amongst many. Each would be a different experience. All I know is my "retreat" calender is filling. And I've got to watch myself..because I'd go to them all if I could.

And then..my ephiphany yesterday...and not related to Sermon on the Mount at all...we were talking about the show Intervention and discussing the use of hand sanitizer, mouthwash etc. Somehow we got on the topic of cold medications...I talked about how Alka Seltzer Cold Plus used to be my secret elixar. I could take that and Aala!, the hangover was gone and I could tolerate the day..until I drank again. Then they took it off the shelves and replaced the secret ingredient and it stopped working. Then the only thing that seemed to work for me was Nyquil...so I'd take a dose in the morning...so I could put myself together for the day...and as I was sharing this with my friends I stopped. Because I always thought I was not a morning drinker...but if I was downing a dose or 2 of Nyquil..to get myself going in the morning, what exactly is that? I NEVER made the connection before. And my sponser sat across from me nodding her head knowingly.

Speaking of which...I posted a few back about All My Sponsers...and I talked a little about this to my "real" sponser. How I'm having trouble reconciling this. How I can't really talk to by BBSS sponser as I can to her..and is it okay?...and all this stuff. And of course she says, why do we have to define these relationships...is the BBSS working for you? Yes...then everything is as it should be. Cherish each relationship for what it is..and what it brings..and what you bring to it....

The Letter B

2009-01-27T04:45:00.006-05:00

Remember these??

I told Prayer Girl I would play this letter game....and woke up this morning thinking of the letter B so I better get it out of my system here. The rules of the game are simple. You are assigned a random letter and you should then post 10 things that you love that begin with that letter. If you read this and want to play, leave a comment that says so, and I'll assign you a random letter. And on and on it goes.

B is for Bill...my husband. A good guy. He has put up with a lot over the years and still sticks around. Why? I have no idea. What I do know is that I love him. In sobriety, I am learning to accept that love changes over the years...so while I don't quite jump his bones anymore..sitting by a fire reading is just as good.

B is for Bill W...an icon. So grateful that this individual along with the help of his fellows created this program of recovery and shared it with the world and then me.

B is for BIG...everything is so Big to me now. In early sobriety..I used to get overwhelmed with the bigness of it all..now I am simply grateful to play a small, miniscule part in the bigness of life.

B is for Babies...I love babies. Truth be told, I cannot wait to be a Grandma. But don't tell..I don't want to rush my children and will be satisfied with glimpses of children on the street or in a mother's arms. Always make me smile.

B is for Beauty...it is all around us and i am so grateful that my eyes are open.

B is for Beatitudes...another simple program for living. In March I will be going to a seminar up in Vermont at The Wilson House on Emmett Fox's Sermon on the Mount. That was one of the first..religious...books I've read and his explanations made sense to me.

B is for Bikini....I will never get in one again...actually the last time I wore a bikini I was in 6th grade...and I don't long for those days.

B is for Bungee Jumping..I have not done this but I would like to...yes I would.

B is for Big Book....a book that has changed my life..a book that is different every time you read it..a book that never grows tiring..a book to share.

B is for Baptist...my daughter will be doing an alternative spring break and will be staying in Kentucky in a Baptist church. She told me yesterday they are going to have to go to services! She's appalled. (smile) I told her to just remain open and respectful...she'll be fine. God works in mysterious ways.

I'm sorry for the bikini one. It's lame. I'm been thinking and thinking of what to replace it with and can't come up with anything so I guess its supposed to be there.

Have a great day everyone!

Joy!

2009-01-25T13:58:00.003-05:00

What a morning! I attend church where we do our centering prayer sits. The woman who facilitates the sits knew something was going on with me through messages I was receiving on facebook so she asked if I was okay on Thursday during our sit. I told her what had happened and she asked what color I thought of when thinking of my friend. I said blue and told her about the yellow rose for friendship I had placed on her chair during our meeting. (We broke our annonymity with her awhile ago when we requested to use the church for our 11th Step meeting). She said she was charged with doing the flowers for the altar that Sunday and she would use those colors and that she and I would know who they were for. Lovely. So I went to the service and they were there. Blue Hydrangeas with yellow roses. She also had inserted Terry's name in the intentional prayers. Lovely again. And they ended the service with Amazing Grace. My cup runneth over in gratitude.

When I left I realized I had time to attend the second service at the church I have been attending on a more regular basis and where many of my friends go. I thought...maybe this is a little over the top, but I went anyway. It was a good service, its a nontraditional church so there's singing, clapping and a few souls choose to dance...that will not be me:) They also do meditation and I enjoyed the silence in appreciation of the morning. At the end a woman approached me and began to say...I don't even remember, because I suddenly realized she was an old friend I have not seen in at least 15 years or so. We worked together as waitresses back in the day and she had moved to Georgia to attend school. We corresponded for awhile but you know how that goes....it tapered off and I lost track. Well, she's up here now and attended this church for the first time..and boom! We caught up and agreed to have tea together..I invited her to my book group which is primarily comprised of friendships from this same resteraunt we all worked at. We are going to suprise the other girls. I happend to go the place we worked last night for dessert after dinner with friends and I had been reflecting on what it had been like and people we had worked with. Not her in particular just in general. It had been a war zone when we worked there and maybe that's why the friendships have been so lasting. She said she had driven by my old home not three days ago and wondered where I was these days. Can you imagine? You probably can.

I just feel incredibly blessed right now. I have lost a friend but have been renewed with another. Amazing Grace.

For Terry

2009-01-25T06:47:00.004-05:00

Do you ever do this? Durning the course of the day, write posts in your head? Great posts...comtemplative posts. I had one yesterday..something about the nature of our existance...but the day got away. Never had an opportunity to put fingers to keyboard. It was a full day..our anniversary meeting at my home group, a funeral for a friend's mother, telephone call from a friend needing help filling in the FAFSA, tracking down a member of our group that unexpectedly didn't show up at our anniversary meeting (we've gotten very tight in that regard), coffee with a friend, meditation meeting, dinner with husband and friends. At one point, I thought to myself...this is what it means to be fully engaged. With people, places, and things. This is it. And it is good. I am safe.

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about my doctor. I am due for a physical, overdue actually, and I tried to schedule an appointment. Couldn't get one until April but that's okay. I won't see anyone but her and I hope she sticks around. She had a baby last year so has cut back. I'm happy for her. She's the first doctor I've ever been honest with. I remember our first visit...it was right after my mom's, I don't know what to call it, collapse, disintegration, deterioration, jackpot, illness, no words seem right. Well, she came in, introduced herself, went through a few obligatory questions from the "chart" and then asked me how I was. I burst into tears. I explained a bit about what was going on and she asked if she thought I might be depressed. And asked me questions. She suggested a therapist which I was resistant to and prescribed an antidepressant. It worked. Didn't change anything but I was able to keep it together to function and speak in complete sentences without falliing apart. She was very nurturing and kind. We talked a little about my drinking..of course I was not totally honest with her at that time...but I was more honest. Through the course of the years...she encouraged therapy....which I did not partake...continued to ask me about my drinking....which "we" watched, and did the rest of the phsical stuff. When I finally had a physical after going sober, I was able to tell her...the first time I'd ever been honest with a doctor, I think it had only been a month or so. I told her I was going to AA...she was encouraging and supportive. I am looking forward to April when I can tell her I'm still sober, I have used her suggestion of therapy and have gone off the antidepressants...finally.

Did that the wrong way. I'm such a bad pill taker. When I was in therapy, we talked about going off. I wasn't having any problems concerning the medication and if it wasn't broke, why fix it especially in early sobriety. My therapist referred me to a psychopharmacologist for an evaluation and she actually put me on another medication. And we discovered a B12 deficiency. That was about 4 months ago and as the pills ran out and I kept procrastinating my call to get an appointment for the refill...I stopped taking them. I guess its supposed to be a gradual process. But I really didnt' feel much different. Maybe a little more emotional but heck some really emotional things have happened around me lately. I'm crying a bit more but appropriately. So I don't know...I have an appointment next week finally...

Bottom line...I'm grateful that I can be honest with my doctors and not have the hidden secret that I'm pounding away at 1-2 bottles of wine a night. A

When Life Hands You Lemons.....

2009-01-22T16:36:00.006-05:00

Thank You Fireman John @ Stop, Drop and Recover.

The concept of the Lemonade Award is quite simple. It is all about finding people that display a great attitude and/or gratitude. In this day and time, that is very important to have.Once nominated, all you need to do is add the Lemonade Award logo to your blog and find 10 more bloggers to nominate. All of the rules are listed below.

Congratulations to all the winners. Please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:
1) Put the logo on your blog or post. check
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4) Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5) Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

So here are 10 but I'd really like you all...and Fireman John...this was a perfect solution to my wandering mind...lemonade:)

Judith at Vicarious Rising

Molly at Recovering Wino

Bannana Girl at Sober Woman of God

Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E.

Jessie at Journey of the Spirit of Hope

RipGurl

Gabriella Moonlight

Okay, I'm officially tired so the rest..Steve a Roni and his lovely wife Prayer Girl and one more....oh dear..I want you all.....see this is how an alcoholic thinks... Why couldn't I just follow our friend Pammie's example.

Night..you dear people.

After the Fact

2009-01-22T15:44:00.002-05:00

I write. That is how I process. Writing this blog had been pivotal to my sobriety. Not sure I would be without this outlet. When I started it I had no idea the level of fellowship I would find here and reading others blogs and getting their comments on mine has also been huge. I honestly thought this would simply be a private journal, had no idea how this worked and it has blossomed into so much more or should I say...torpedoed? In writing about the loss of my friend and how it has affected me, I am concerned that I broke the prinicple of annonymity. I have gone back through my posts and changed names to initials...after the fact. I don't know how to do it on comments. And of course people who know the individuals involved are going to know who I am writing about with or without initials, fake names I could use such as Miss Indespairpants and the like. So does that mean I don't write about it at all? Where is the line when you write about how the actions, behaviors and words of others has affected you? Can you tell my head is whirling?

One of the members of our morning group found out about this incident through my blog. She emailed me and another member privately to express her shock and say she had "read" about it. I hadn't seen it in any papers so I asked where hoping that maybe there were arrangements that we didn't know about and she said YOUR BLOG. I asked her to keep that to herself in that while I think I am okay with people finding my blog as she did, I don't want to direct people here. It's not a secret that a part of my recovery has been this forum...its part of my story...but I don't broadcast that I write myself.

At church last night..one of my friends, had a neighbor who had a babysitter who knew the woman who is taking care of T's daughter, literally. I gave my friend my number to pass along if this woman was looking for support. I spoke with her this morning. She filled me in on what little there is to fill in. She is the mother of the daughter's best friend so this is probably a good place for her to be. As we talked I asked about arrangements and she said there is noone and she was overwhelmed just dealing with the legalities of the situation. I told her I could take that burden. And when I say I, I don't mean me, I mean the fellowship, my role would merely be a conduit. She was relieved to the point of crying saying that this was something that she felt the daughter really needed and she just couldn't do it. After the fact, I called G. to let him know of this conversation. His reaction was, let me just say, not good. He's not there yet and maybe won't be. Understandably so..her body has not even been released. Of course there is noone to release her to. I don't think he has a problem with me taking care of a service, I think he has a problem with there even being a thought of a service right now. After the fact, I told him that I am just there to do if requested. By whomever. He reacted as though I was doing it when I was just saying I would. I just worry that I have added another worry to his already overwhelmed frame of mind. That I have crossed boundries.

My therapist says people react to trauma in three ways...fight, flight or freeze. I'm a fighter. I have to do something. Even when I drank, it was first and foremost AT situations, people, things. I think perhaps that is why I managed to finish school, work, maintain a marriage, raise children and the like. I drank not to escape those things but AT them just to get through them. And in the process I can behave impulsively. That has not gone away with sobriety. I am still a fighter...its been tempered but its there.

I'm just going to continue with St. Francis, I will continue to talk to my people, I will continue to be present. And now I think its time to call my sponser. Thank you for being here.

Choices

2009-01-20T09:14:00.004-05:00

I have choices today that I never had before. Choices I did not have when I was drinking. Choices because of the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. G came to the meeting today. A huge relief..he has choices today too. And he chose life. We are blessed. And our prayers were answered.

I have been praying FOR T. I was reminded to pray TO T. I have been praying for her to find peace and by praying to her, telling her I love her, telling her there is peace, telling her it is okay will help her to continue on her journey.

What a man thinks of himself, that is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.
--Henry David Thoreau

Let us think of ourselves as made of dust, and allow us to be as proud of it as if it were true. For dust is everywhere. We see it in solemn rooms streaked by sun, dancing like fine angels in a cathedral light. It is the stuff of life. And it drifts down on fancy tables where the richest people eat. It cannot be denied a place. And it returns time and time again like the seasons. It is one of the wonders of the world. And when no one sees or cares, it finds a secret corner in which to keep a solitary peace. It intends no harm. We find it at home on old leather books, the ones that preserve our noblest thoughts. And from where we stand, it seems that even the stars are made of it.

When we feel low, unworthy, or useless, let's remember that these feelings are only a small but important part of us, that even great things are made of small parts and that we, as whole beings, are always greater than the sum of these parts.

It's A New Day - will.i.am - Dipdive.com

2009-01-20T05:22:00.001-05:00

Today...I choose joy;
Today I choose, peace;
Today I choose love;
Today I choose pardon;
Today I choose faith;
Today I choose hope;
Today I choose light;
Today I choose joy;
Today I choose to console;
Today I choose to understand;
Today I choose to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

2009-01-19T20:20:00.005-05:00

Thank you all for your kind and comforting words. As you can imagine, our morning meeting was very sad. I was worried I wouldn't get through the chairing responsibilities but I did what I've been taught and I prayed and while I cried throughout much of the meeting I did manage to chair in a calm peaceful manner. I made sure to let our newcomers (of which we had 3) know that this would not be a normal AA meeting, that our group was grieving. And I have to say, they are what it was all about. We gave out a 24 hour chip. People who were not on our member list added their name. People who did not have a phone list took one. A member of our meeting who has been struggling for the last 2 years came and got her 90 day chip. She also brought her son..their first unsupervised visit together. It was incredibly healing to see her there with him. Powerful. The woman who I went to see last night came. She wanted to comfort me..she with 3 days of sobriety. She was there when I was told last night. As I was letting her know about the meetings for today..I told her that this morning's meeting would be a tough one. She came anyway. That is how it works. She joined a group for breakfast afterwards. Powerful.

I extended the meeting until everyone who wanted and needed to share did. These were not decisions I made, these were thoughts that came to me. I think it helped. I know it did me. I put a single yellow rose tied in ribbon on her chair. The other thing that was pretty traumatic for me was that a potrait of her is hanging on the wall where we meet. We meet in a church meeting room and they also use it as an art gallery. G is an artist, brilliant I might add and has a perspective of the back of her head...So that was very tough for me to see this morning. But we got through it...and will continue to go through it as long as we hold each other close.

I am all those feelings that come with suicide. From what I understand from the oldtimers, this is not uncommon...I knew that ...but had not experienced this yet. That's one of the things that has struck me. I am being asked..is this your first? Yes it is. It is devastating. But as devastating as it is..I will choose to remember the things about T that made me love her. Her sense of humor, her loyalty, her honesty, her smile, her laugh, her concern, her fierceness as a mother, and yes her strength. She endured alot in her lifetime. And she kept coming. She kept struggling, she knew IT was there somewhere and she kept looking. I am sorry she did not find IT here. I hope she will find IT where she is. I will choose to remember T in a positive light. But I will take the lessons. And I will keep myself wrapped in the comfort and guidance of fellowship and continue my long distance conditioning by running up and down those steps (Thank you RipGurl).

That said, I cannot get the image of her doing this out of my head and if I find out my image is how it was done...I will be freaked out. As you might imagine, rumors are flying around. The how, why, when, where, and what of it. I wrote last night that it was a gun...I don't even know about that anymore. When the dust settles it doesn't really matter does it? She's gone. We are still very concerned about her boyfriend...he was not in hiding yesterday..his cell phone is broken...he didn't know. He found out like I did. Someone assumed he knew and asked if there was anything they could do. This morning..on the way to the meeting..as they were brushing snow of their cars. Probably on his way to pick her up. And he was told. We don't know anything about her daugther, where she is, who she is with. It's too soon...I will continue to pray the St. Francis Prayer. That is what is getting me through this.

2009-01-18T22:35:00.005-05:00

painting by Regina LafayMy friend T killed herself yesterday.

While I was pissing and moaning about my husband being a big baby and what a hardship it was to take care of him, T killed herself. She leaves behind a 15 year old daughter. T was my friend and as close as she would allow me to be. She struggled with this disease of alcoholism as well as depression. I met T when I was just a few months in. She had relapsed after a long period of sobriety. Another friend who I gave rides to asked if we could bring her with us to meetings. I did and she was drunk. She kept saying..."God bless ya!" to me over and over again. She ended up being hospitalized and then came back and got sober. She didn't remember the rides but we ended up sitting next to each other at our morning meeting..6 days a week and she became a friend. Someone to joke with, someone to share stories with, someone to identify with. Someone to try to help. As we do in the halls. She had trouble reaching out to women but she tried. It was hard for her to pick up the phone but she did on rare occasions and it was a blessing to talk to her. She had a sponser this time. A good one. I gave her my "little red book". She wouldn't come to night meetings and did alot of sheet therapy. But she stayed sober. And then she relapsed. And then she stayed sober. She kept coming is my point. But she couldnt' get beyond the depression to work a program. Could not pray, could not do steps..but she kept trying. Our morning meeting is a round robin and the topic is What's Good About Today. T did not share personal stories at the meeting. But she shared how she felt.

What's Good About Today? I'm on automatic pilot and the one hour I am here I feel safe.

What's Good About Today? I feel homocidal and suicidal so I will pass.

What's Good About Today? Nothing.

What's Good About Today? I'm grateful I'm not the only one who feels this way.

But she would talk one on one and I was privelged and blessed to listen.

I don't know how we are going to do this meeting tomorrow. I have to chair. I am devastated. I think I am going to get flowers and put them on her chair. Is that weird? Her boyfriend is also a member of our morning meeting. They both know they should not be together..no relationships in the first year you know. Nothing good is going to come out of this for him. He is exactly like her. They were two peas in a pod. Noone can find him or reach him. I went to a meeting tonight that I have never gone to. I had told a newcomer I would take her there and when she didn't call thought I should show up, just in case. She did show up. We gave her a Big Book. At the end of a meeting another member of the morning group who happend to be there asked me if anyone had seen or heard from G. I thought he meant he's gone back out...and then this poor fellow looked devastated. "you don't know", he said. So he had to be the one to tell me. A call had come in just as the meeting started reminding me to turn off my phone so I didn't take it. It was the call. I'm glad I got the news in person. I called the woman back and she gave me what little details there were. We agreed to meet at another meeting and there were a few of us there. It was good to share our sorrow. But then the speakers started and I couldn't hear them. And I couldn't sit there. I stayed as long as I could but then I got up and left. I never leave meetings early. I think its rude. (unless its an emergency of course or work or whatever). And we're all worried about G.

T was a wonderful, funny, sweet (oh how she would hate to hear me say that), caring woman. She was a good mother. She told the truth. She was earnest. Please pray that she has found peace. And for her daughter and G, that they survive.