Monday, July 20, 2009

The weekend was wonderful, although we decided that 3 days with Mom was probably one too many:) But we had a great time finding our way through NYC, getting pedicures and seeing the show. Hair was amazing. I teared up from the opening number of Aquarius with nostalgia and when they all got naked it wasn't really a shock but very integral to the theme and during a very emotional song so I was crying then too.....sometimes it seems all I do is cry. It was also a revelation that the song Let the Sun Shine wasn't really a joyful song but more of a plea. Again, very emotional. And Rent. What can I say about Rent? I have seen this show many, many times. I love the music and the message. I never saw the original Broadway production and seeing it with original cast members, Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, was a HUGE difference. They ARE Mark and Roger. If this show travels to your area, do yourself a favor and go see it. The rest of the cast of this particular tour was very good as well.

Sadly while I was away I learned a friend of mine had passed away from breast cancer and her service was Saturday. She lived on the beach and was always very generous to our family, allowing us to park at her home to use the beach. I worked with her daughter and we partied together often back in our waitressing days. A friend who attended the memorial told me her daughter had just returned from our local hospital where she was hospitalized due to alcoholism. It sounds like she almost died from withdrawal seizures and had been confined to a wheelchair. My friend told her about me and my sobriety and she wants to talk to me. Maybe she is ready......I won't know but I can reach out to her and tell her my story and carry the message to her. It will be quite different from our middle of the night drunken phone calls when she lived in Key West.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Shining, Streaming, Gleaming, Flaxen, Waxen

Heading out for the weekend. Get to pick up my daughter at a friend's she's visiting in CT and then head to NYC to see the Broadway musical Hair. I am very grateful that my daughter wants to spend time with me and that we share a love of Broadway musicals. I have a particular fondness for the music of Hair as it was my very first album that I got for Christmas of my fourth grade year with my very first stereo. I listened to the album over and over. But I've never seen the show. Movie, yes, but not the show. I gave her these tickets for Christmas and for Mother's Day she invited me to the show instead of a friend. Not sure that would have happened if I was still drinking.

While in NYC we will dog sit for my nephew dog, Rooney, while my brother's family is on vacation. And we get a free place to stay. I know where the meetings are and my daughter and I will get to play city girls. Walking dogs, getting pedicures, seeing the show.

Then we will return home via Boston and see the musical RENT. Both of us are huge Rentheads and this show features the 2 actors who originated the main charachters of Roger and Mark.

No Day Like Today!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Call Your Sponser

I've also been grappling with sponsership. As I discovered, I think one of the underlying motivations in going through the steps again was to avoid this vital aspect of our program. I could justifiably say...No, I can't sponser yet, I'm not far enough along. And in Big Book Step Study this is true. Their group conscious states that you must have completed the process with a BBSS sponser. But in AA this is not true. I have been through the steps once and try to practice them daily, and while I obviously cannot share what I haven't got, I can share what I have. So I've stopped saying no and started saying yes. If they are willing I try to direct them to BBSS because I think that is a great way to go through the steps. But I also know that at 3 months sober I would have probably balked. My sponser actually had suggested I might like their approach way back in the beginning but I in no way wanted a different sponser. I wouldn't even go to the meeting to check it out. Another example of me not following a suggestion. So if my sponsees choose not to go, I can still take them through the BB and the steps, as my sponser did me, to the best of my ability right now and take it one day at a time. I am open with them about where I am and it seems to be working. As long as we are trudging, it's all good. And lest I forget, I of course discussed this with my sponser and my BBSS sponser.

It's a blessing to have someone ask for sponsership and its an honor. I am learning so much and having people call me for support and guidance is a miracle. I don't really feel worthy but I'm working on that. When someone pays me a compliment what am I saying about them if I tell them its not true? And again, the bottom line as always, trust and rely upon God. That third step prayer seems to be working for me and I am so grateful that it has incoporated into my being.

Monday, July 13, 2009

For Best Results, Follow Directions and Wear a Helmut

Hadn't realized so much time had passed without posting. I guess I did but honestly nothing so much has changed in terms of my last post. I am exactly there. Still grappling with the mess but very very grateful for this program and the tools it has given me. In looking over my fourth step I hadn't even put my son on it this go around so I attempted to do that. I had a hard time. All I could think of was what I had done to him. So my sponser suggested I start writing that up. Now that is a tough one....not tough to do...I've got A LOT of resentments towards myself...lots of things I hate about myself, I'm angry that I've done or not done, humilations I've caused myself. It never occurred to me to put myself there until now. Kind of thought it went without saying. WRONG! So yes, its easy to come up with that list...but then its also hard to take. So I have to take it in small bites as much as I'd like to be done yesterday with this writing. The best thing I've heard in a meeting recently was..."FOR BEST RESULTS, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS", so that's what I'm trying to do follow directions for the best result. And bottom line, if I trust and rely on God...all is well.

It's finally beautiful here in New England. Perfect. But we had soooooo much rain. And now its hard to get anything done cause we were stuck inside for so long.

My son lost a childhood friend in a skateboarding accident a week or so ago. WEAR A HELMUT. So sad..the boy hadn't even reached his 18th birthday. I can't even imagine. But I am grateful that I could be there for his parents and that I believe that God is everything and can share comfort in that.

I must have bumped the top of my head on something though I can't remember doing it. Again, very grateful that my lack of memory is not caused by a blackout but merely the fact that I'm a woman of a certain age:) Then again, I can go with this...maybe I don't remember bumping my head because I didn't and the sharp stabbing pain I am feeling on the top of my head is a brain tumor pushing up. And if that's the case, I hope I can go out like Farah Fawcett with dignity and grace...wonder how many people will come to my funeral. And if all my AA friends come, then the rest of my world will know and who cares anyway if I'm dead. Do you see? Fear, doubt and insecurity. I'm looking forward to remembering how I bumped my head or the pain simply going away...whichever comes first and with a little Tyelnol I can help that along.

All right, that's it for today. I'll try not to let so much time pass again. But it is summer and the living is easy.